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After having been abandoned as a two-year-old
in Chequamegon National Forest, Dick Baker grew up with
a passion for the outdoors. Baker hosts "Baker's Dozin'
" on the Camping Network and is Sportalicous! outdoor
correspondent. Email your questions to outdoordick@sportalicious.com
and if we use it you'll win a free Sportalicious.com
T-Shirt!
Dear Outdoor Dick:
For the first time ever we've escaped the muggy humidity
of northern Minnesota for the dry heat of Arizona this summer!
Our friends have asked us to go tubing on Lake Mead. It's
such an innocent sport, but do you have any tips that could
make us look like experts the first time out?
Peggy and Paul Shmerg
Dear Peggy and Paul:
Tip o' the hat to you for takin' charge and gettin' down
to the dry heat of Arizona. That humidity in northern Minnesota
can literally swallow a man whole! I mean it -- I was up
there for a Walleye Dive (no-tank diving, barehanded catch,
placed third to two Peruvians) and a competitor from the
Ukraine was literally enveloped in a waterspout of humidity
and disappeared. He was found three days later impaled on
the lightning rod of an abandoned sugar beet barn seven
miles away. Stunningly, the rod hit no vital organs, but
an Alberta Clipper blew through with some 80,000-foot anvil
thunder clouds and the fella was fried by several strikes
of lightning. Anyway, believe you me when you hear 'em say,
"Dry heat's better for ya!"
On with the question -- yes in fact, there are a couple
of simple techniques you can use to show your friends your
not "tubin' rubes." As they tow you with increasing
speed, brace with your legs on the outer rim of the tube
at "3 o'clock" and "9 o'clock." As they
speed up, if your grip is firm enough, you'll literally
"levitate" to an upright position. This will freak
them out! Another great tactic is to push both feet down
HARD at the "12 o'clock" position and literally
"pop" you AND the tube upwards at about a 45-degree
angle, like a giant Oldsmobile hood ornament! That'll get
'em to buy steak dinner!
FYI: be a teensy bit careful in Lake Mead, as the government
really hasn't bothered to tell anyone the Air Force used
the area as a bombing range before the lake was developed
for tourism and residence, and there's about 7,000 live
rounds of Air Force ammo floatin' around. Believe me, you
don't have to just hit one directly and blow yourself to
smithereens, someone else hitting one, especially on a hot
day, will send shock waves through the whole lake that actually
intensify because of the man-made lake walls and will literally
microwave the innards of anyone within a 150 yards of ground
zero, leaving you floating lifeless like a dead, helpless,
rotting perch.
Anyway remember, 3 o'clock, 9 o'clock and 12 o'clock, and
dinner's free! Tube away, my friends!
OUTDOOR DICK
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