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"Could I get a glass of water up here?" |
Madison, WI - Shocker at the 2004
Great Outdoors Games! Grin, a 7-year-old male beaver, won the
open-class 40-foot tree-topping competition by nearly two seconds over
defending champ Walt Blebski of Psycho Knoll, Idaho! Grin had apparently
been grazed by an Omaha Beef semi-truck as he tried to cross a highway
bordering the nearby Horicon Marsh. He got disoriented and wandered into
the Great Outdoors Games instead of scurrying off to marshland safety.
Games officials quickly attempted to trap Grin or shoot him or just bludgeon
him and get him the hell out of there, because they had failed to insure
the competition against beaver bites despite the near-tragedy in 2001
at Grind, Oregon, when, during the women's log-rolling final, a beaver
jumped from a tree and bit Jolene Perspire on the face. But before officials
could corner Grin, ESPN announcers Merrill Hoge and Bill
Clement actually announced the beaver as the eighth entrant in
the tree-topping quarterfinals. Not wanting to appear discriminatory on
national TV, officials decided to let the beaver compete. Clearly high
on adrenalin and hungry from his brush with death on the freeway, Grin
mowed down the Flukespaw twins, Pirk and Krip, and then dusted former
champ Blebski in the final as the crowd of two thousand went insane! Officials
tried to give Grin his first prize equivalent in fish, but the beaver
adamantly demanded that he get the cash, the bass boat and the GasBlaster
5000 barbecue.
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