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Loneblack, Utah - Former Utah Jazz star Karl Malone announced this past weekend that he has accepted a contract offer from the Los Angeles Lakers and also an introductory offer to join the American Association of Retired Persons, known nationally as the AARP. "I feel awesome," said Malone, 53, whose lawyers then helped him rest and take oxygen before signing the two vastly different documents. Malone selected the Lakers offer over more lucrative offers from other NBA clubs because it gives him a chance to possibly get a championship ring without really earning it, which would be a crowning achievement to his career. "I think I can give them two, maybe 3 good minutes a game," said Malone, nicknamed "the Mailman" because earlier in his career he 'delivered' great play, and later in his career he has adopted a slow, pot-bellied shuffle and the black-socks-with-sandals look sanctioned by the US Postal Service. "The contract is low dough," added Malone, "but with the AARP benefits, my Rogaine and Viagra are about one-third the price!" In fact the AARP announced they would lower the premium on their accidental death insurance by ten cents for every 20-point game Malone has with the Lakers. The Lakers also announced they have opened negotiations in an attempt to lure Pete Maravich out of death and onto the squad for a chance at a championship ring. The Jazz, meanwhile, have been unable to get anyone to replace Malone and retiring All-Star guard John Stockton and have announced they will be forced to compete this upcoming season with just three players.