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LA TRADES CENTER, SELF-CENTER!
Los Angeles, CA - The Los Angeles Lakers
announced last weekend that they were trading disgruntled big
man Shaquille O'Neal to the Miami Heat
for four players and a draft choice, and more importantly were
trying to dump their self-center and start next season with "slightly
less ego," according to Lakers' spokesman Ned Huh. "Nobody
wants the self-center," said an irritated Huh. When asked
why anyone would, Huh said, "Huh?" In exchange for their
self-center the Lakers are seeking spa treatments, some empathy,
and a shooting forward.
BUSH: GAY MARRIAGE BAN EXEMPTED FOR
FIGURE SKATERS!
Cabo San Lucas, Mexico - President George
Bush, just arriving in Cabo for some much earned time
off, told reporters on his way to the area's top boogie-boarding
beach that he had had a talk with God during the flight down from
Washington, DC and that it would be okay if gay American male
figure skaters wanted to get married, provided it improved their
performance and allowed them to "beat the hell out of the
Allah Freaks at the Winter Olympics." When
it was pointed out that neither Iraq, Iran or Saudi Arabia would
be sending a team to the Winter Olympics, Bush said, "that's
just a load of crap Michael Moore wants you to
believe."
ALL-STAR GAME ADDS RAGE CONTEST!
Houston, TX - Major League Baseball
has added another colorful event to it's pre-All Star game festivities!
Joining the home-run hitting contest and others this year will
be something called "'Roid Rage!" Said league spokesman
Timmy Bliffinly, "We'll pretty much just have a pitcher throw
at a bulked-up hitter's head until he snaps, and then we'll watch
the shenanigans!" So once again, baseball is fun for the
whole family! Houston's Perspiration Hospital has donated sedatives
and a chain net if things get out of hand.
GREEKS FINISH SHOT PUT PIT, RESTAURANT!
Athens, Greece - Greek Minister of Procrastination
Constantin "Gus" Constantinopolos announced Sunday that
the Greeks had made giant steps towards completion of facilities
by finishing the shot put pit and a large Greek restaurant, located
in the center of the Olympic village. Though indeed 'finished,'
the shot put pit consists of only sand, chalk and ten 2x8-inch
boards laid out for boundary marks. The restaurant is a more encouraging
sign, although it lacks a roof clearly apparent in the blueprints.
Said Constantinopolos, "It's open air! It's nice out in Greece!
The restaurant will have anything you want, what do you want,
you want pancakes? With a steak? We have both. Pickles, cupcakes?
We have it. What do you want, you want lamb shank with gummi bears?
We have it. Want do you want, you want gheefa with a shmear? We
have it! You ready to order?"
TYPO FORCES TOWN INTO "TIE-EATING"
CONTEST!
Burnt Smell, NE - Well, set down the Redi-Whip
and get some seam rippers, the 77th annual Burnt Smell Pie Eating
contest had to be changed because of a typographical error on
posters advertising the event! The posters said it was a "tie-eating"
contest and the Nebraska attorney general stated it was too late
to change without violating the state's new "you flub, you
pay" law. And so 91-year-old local farmer Arf Tangent, who
hadn't even planned on entering the pie contest, won the tie contest
by easily wolfing down three-and-a-half Brooks Brothers
silk ties and a cumberbund for desert. Apparently Tangent has
been surviving the tight farm economy by eating most of his Sunday
clothes over the past decade.
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