Washington, DC - At a press conference ner the new White House outhouse, President George W. Bush announced that because of recent track and field upsets, he was arbitrarily legalizing all banned substances for immediate consumption by athletes competing in the name of the United States at the Olympics, plus Barry Bonds. "It's just easier," said Bush, who wore a smartass smirk but insisted it was a "grin of wisdom." Bush continued to explain his edict, saying, "The runner girl Jones, the sprinter guy, Tim what's-his-name, Lance Burton Armstrong on the bike thingie, don't we need 'em to beat the lawless Allah Freaks? And Bonds, hell, he's fun to watch." Bush paused for a moment to speak in tongues, then added, "The only thing keeping a cloud over these athletes' heads is the word 'illegal!' Well, I'm the guy who can take the 'ill' out of 'illegal,' friends. So they pound some synthetic 'testosterone pizza,' and then chase it with a little extract of hyena testicle, who among us can cast the first stone there?" At this point Bush paused for effect or because the prompter had slowed down, then said, "Not I, my friends. Not E-Y-E! Who among you could cast the first stone? None of you, you lazy college potheads. Okay, John Kerry could cast the first stone. He probably stopped a cargo ship of cocaine at the port of Miami with just his shoe and a firm voice, that bastard. I hate him. It ain't fair that he can be a Viet Vet and anti-war, that's two voting blocs, that's unconstitutional!" Bush then left for a month of boogie-boarding in Cabo San Lucas.