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"Dammit! Duval signed it
too?"
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Southwest of the worst parts of the south
side of Chicago, IL - This past Sunday, the celebration
that should have been the 100th Western Open
instead became an analysis session for golf's most celebrated
bust, Tiger Woods, as the disheveled, unfocused
Woods barely eked out a five-stroke win. "If that ain't a
slump, I don't know what is," said Tiller Fenstrom, who finished
108th." Rich Beem coasted into second place,"
added Fenstrom, "and had the tourney gone another 70 or 80
holes, Beem might've caught Tiger. NOW do you guys believe us
that he ain't superhuman?" Tiger may have been slowed by
the 35-pound pot belly prosthesis and peripheral-vision cataract
contact lens the PGA has mandated he wear every tournament to
even out the odds (Sportalicious!,
March 11), but Fenstrom laughed those off. "Yeah, right,"
scoffed Fenstrom, "like the added weight of the pot belly
doesn't give him an extra 15 yards off the tee! Yeah, that's some
'drawback,' PGA! Nice goin'." Fenstrom added that he and
Dwayne Mulgrew, who finished 109th, have collected "lots"
of signatures on a petition that demands Tiger quit professional
golf before his overall slovenliness "makes a mockery"
of the game on and off the course. Said Fenstrom, "It's so
obvious he's gonna snap. He's the Gary Busey
of golf!" Fenstrom added that he and Mulgrew have "some
evidence" that Woods was seen as at a Florida strip club
with former Alabama coach Mike Price
and may have been involved in a betting pool with Rick
Neuheisel. "Plus, I think he had Enron stock,"
whispered Fenstrom.
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