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SERENA
BEATS VENUS IN LOCKER ROOM, THEN ON COURT!
Left, England - Sportalicious! has learned the
stomach muscle strain and thigh injury that helped keep Venus
Williams from winning the Wimbledon
women's title against her sister, Serena Williams,
were not "training injuries" as claimed by Venus, but
actual wounds inflicted on her in a pre-match locker room beat-down
administered by none other than ...Serena Willliams and her father
Richard! A ballboy who needed all night to eventually shag a drunken
ballgirl and thus had to sleep at the tennis complex so as not
to miss his morning match, was awakened by the sounds of what
he called, "a nasty muggin'." The ballboy, who asked
to be referred to as 'Wee Jonny Kincaide' for fear of retribution,
recalled, "the shoutin' black bloke with the crazyman eyes
held the tall girl while the muscled chippie who still somehow
has smashing breasts worked over the tall one like a stevedore.
The nutso older bloke kept repeatin', 'Next time listen to who
Daddy picks to win!' 'Twas ugly. Kin I get me money now?"
DISCLAIMER:
Sportalicious! would like to take this opportunity to remind readers
that we absolutely, positively do NOT, under
any circumstances, pay anyone for rumors or supposed story leads,
and this includes Wimbledon ballboy Robbie Thomas. Check that
- Wee Jonny Kincaide. Robbie Thomas is ...no one, it's a fake
name, he's not real, it was a typo. Wee Jonny Kincaide is who
we mean.
X GAMES: BITTER DEADLOCK OVER RAZORSCOOTING!
Blunt, CO - The increasingly popular X
Games have stumbled into their first serious controversy
when the 12 rich, middle-aged burnouts who form the X Games governing
board are deadlocked 4-4-4 over whether to allow Razorscooting
into the Games as an official event. Board members had three choices
on their ballots: Yeah-for sure, maybe-yeah-kinda, and no way.
"They are so cool and shiny and gnarly to control, I voted
'yeah - for sure,' " said 47-year-old board member Viper
Van Voorhees, who invented the whipped coffee drink 24 years ago
and now lives in this expensive ski resort town on a mailbox full
of residuals. Others disagreed with Van Voorhees detailed analysis.
"No way, there's nothing cool about it," said Linda
Klebleitz-Mountain Breeze, who invented soy cosmetics and sold
the process to L'Oreal for a billion dollars, "If we let
mundane transportation things in, what's next - snowmobiles?"
When Klebleitz-Mountain Breeze was informed that a form of snowmobiling
was indeed already in the X Games, she added, "Yeah, but
that's like, different." The board will attempt to break
the deadlock at 3am Saturday morning after attending a Phish
concert together.
NPL SNIFFING SCANDAL COULD
SUSPEND LEAGUE 2ND TIME!
Las Vegas, NV - The much-maligned, revamped
National Paintball League may be suspended a second time by
local authorities after it was discovered the two franchises in
the league championship - the Santa Fe Cyans and the Lake Tahoe
Taupes - regularly sniffed their paintball guns during the first
match of the best-of-seven series, won by Lake Tahoe 73-70. South
Lake Tahoe drug task force captain Flit McFlendz arrested NPL
commissioner Skeeter Roscoe, the former systems analyst for Cisco
who quit his job to play paintball full time. “Dude, ME?!"
Roscoe reportedly said to McFlendz, "What up with that?!
Arrest the dudes doing the sniffing, man! Dude! Look at that dude
on Santa Fe, he's stuffed a yellow paintball up his nose right
outside the team bus! Look over there, Mr. Police Dude!"
Roscoe will be charged with running an illegal drug house and
with exceeding the legal limit for use of the term "dude."
HANGMAN WINNER TO GET
HUGE PRIZE!
Los Angeles, CA - Sportalicious! managing editor
Chet Waterhouse has announced that the
high score on Sportalicious' Hangman
game is so far out of reach that the author of that score will
receive a huge prize so that other Sportalicious fans may once
again enjoy the game. "Folks go to play Hangman and see that
score and say, 'aw hell, let's go to the Playsite
scrabble board!" said Waterhouse. "So "MAX"
is going to get an extremely rare Sportalicious T-shirt! If I
were him, I'd slap it up on eBay and take the missus to dinner."
"MAX" may possibly be flown to LA for the awards ceremony.
"No, he won't," added Waterhouse.
PHILIPPOUSSIS
BLAMES WIMBLEDON LOSS ON XTRA CONSONANTS!
Lipstiff, England - Aussie Mark Phillipoussis
told Sportalicious! reporter The
Anthem-Singing Breasts his loss to Roger Federer
in the Wimbledon finals Sunday was the result of too many consonants
in his last name. "Physically, they're heavy," said
an exhausted Philippoussis after the match, "especially the
'P's. And mentally, just knowing all afternoon that in the post-match
press conference I would have to keep spelling out 'Philippoussis'
for stupid reporters was unbearable." When asked exactly
how his name was spelled, Philippoussis then mockingly spelled
out his name - "starts with a P-H, only one L, but two P's,
then, two S's - no, not on the end, right BEFORE
the end - here, just give me a pen-'" Philippoussis then
suffered a bout of TMJ and had to stop. Indeed, we are already
exhausted by the number of times we've had to spell 'Philippoussis'
for this story. Why didn't his parents just change it to "Phillips"?
Federer is much easier to spell. Let's talk about him for awhile.
He won! Federer is the only person in Switzerland who actually
plays professional tennis. He has no one to practice against and
must bounce the ball off a wall made of chocolate. Federer also
had to get a special neutrality exemption from the Swiss government
in order to actually attempt to defeat other humans. He wrested
the title from... that whiny other guy... in straight sets.
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