Isn't that the T-Wolves' Kevin Blurface?

Naked Ski Village, CO - Based on evidence gathered over the past few days by typically sloppy local Colorado cops, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant may be charged this weekend with sexual assault stemming from events involving a woman in the western suburbs of Denver. The woman accused Bryant of sexual assault late last Tuesday, and depending on if the Colorado cops louse up the possible evidence, Bryant may be charged with one count of felony sexual assault. If convicted, according to strict federal judicial standards established in several other recent cases involving high profile athletes, Bryant could face punishment as severe as a three-shot technical foul for the opposition in his first game back next season, and a potentially devastating benching for the first two minutes of his first three games back. In addition, Nike, his shoe sponsor, could force Bryant to play in a model of shoe that's been on the market for over four full months - an embarrassing move the equivalent of a public flogging in the town square. "The foul shots are brutal enough," said a 6' 10" white Laker front office snitch who asked to remain anonymous, "but if he loses his starting job to Derek Fisher, that's worse than any prison rape you've seen on Oz.'" NBC execs have requested the trial be put on the fast track, as they have already announced plans for a movie of the week based on the trial entitled, "Kobe Or Not Kobe," starring Marlon Wayans and Marlon Brando, slated to air during fall sweeps. There is a chance that Bryant is completely innocent, but nobody is much paying attention to that right now.