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COUNCIL PROMOTES FIREWORKS FOR XMAS!
Port Grafitti, MO - Emboldened by record sales
of illegal fireworks this past July 4th weekend, the Illegal
Fireworks Industry Council announced plans to push for their
illegal product to be used at Christmas time as well. According
to the press release handed out by hot chicks dressed in bikinis
made of lit sparklers, the Illegal Fireworks Industry Council
hopes to make Roman Candles a Christmas tradition, provided they
can still be fired off in sub-zero blizzard conditions. The release
pointed out that most people get sick of their family and friends
by early afternoon on December 25th and could use an exhilirating,
potentially injurious distraction. The Council's new slogan is,
"Let's Blow Off Christmas Together!"
THOR BALKS AT THROWING HAMMER FOR GREECE!
Athens, Greece - Thor, the Greek
god of war, or hammers or something, has hit a snag in his talks
with Greek Olympic Team officials. The Greeks want Thor to throw
the hammer for them and Thor wants to try the 110 meter high hurdles.
"Everybody's always with the freakin' hammer," said
a frustrated Thor, "Thor's hammer, the hammer of Thor, pound
them with your hammer, Thor -- enough with the hammer. It's so
one note." Thor added, "Even gods need to grow or they
just wind up becoming a parody of themselves, like Van
Halen." The Greeks want to say no to Thor but are
afraid he will hammer them to death.
GORDON WINS PEPSI 400, CREDITS SKIN
EXFOLIANT!
Camshaft Hills, FL - Pretty boy NASCAR
star Jeff Gordon took The Pepsi 400
in nearby Daytona last weekend by a mere 14 hundredths of a second
over teammate Jimmy Johnson, and credited the
victory to a new peach skin exfoliant and mint toner he's been
using on his face before bedtime. "It peels off that extra
layer of oils and reduces blackheads and zits," said Gordon,
who did indeed look vibrant, "and when you're goin' a 150
miles an hour, every little bit of resistance you can eliminate
helps. Thank you, Anthony Skin Care Products
For Men!" Gordon said in preparation for a huge upcoming
race at Talladega he would add the Egyptian Clay Mask and a paraffin
hand soak to his routine.
METS SWEEP OF YANKS TO BE
ENTERED INTO SUNDANCE!
New York, NY - The New York Mets
completed a first-ever sweep of a series over their arch-rival
New York Yankees this past weekend and immediately
announced that footage of the upset would be edited into a documentary
about underdog dreams by none other than Michael Moore
and submitted to the Sundance Film Festival for
the '05 competition. Moore said it would be "a piece of cake"
making George Steinbrenner look evil, and then
as if to punctuate his point, Moore ate a piece of cake effortlessly
in two bites. In a related story, longtime Yankee fan Billy
Crystal has entered Bel Air's Twice The Price Medical
Center suffering from what doctors called "disbelief"
over the Mets' sweep and may not recover in time to host next
year's Oscars.
TWO GUYS ALSO PLAY AT WIMBLEDON!
Tennyson, England - In a development that shocked
Wimbledon organizers, two men snuck through security
and somehow managed to play a full tennis final this past weekend
at Center Court while all attention was being put on Maria
Sharapova. The men, one an American, somehow got by jovial
security guards and played a full two-hour match despite being
only several hundred feet away from the magnetic Sharapova and
her under-age smooth skin. Sharapova said she did not mind the
men playing so long as neither had bedded down Anna Kournikova.
The one guy beat the other guy three sets to one, but not enough
people fantasized about having sex with the winner to warrant
a press conference. Wimbledon said it would tighten security for
next year's tournament to prevent any incidents that might distract
from Sharapova.
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