|
| |
 |
| |
"My breath of fire burns
to the ground your
feminine concept of Catch and Release." |
Our own correspondent Mohamed
Saeed al-Sahhaf has recently returned from the Spearfishing
Derby in Canada, and after a short sabbatical spent in the
detention center of the Customs Office in the province of
Manitoba, has returned home and filed this report:
Great Slave Lake, Canada
- Hello my fine friends and zealous fans of the sporting
activities of the boreal forest! I have recently been released
by Canadian customs after being held nine days merely because
I still retain my Iraqi passport and my most recent job
prior to being a Sportalicious! correspondent was to lie
profusely for dictator Saddam Hussein.
But I cannot blame the powerful polar bear gods of the northern
empire. I spit on the newly trimmed beard and low-carb dieting
carcass of the worthless Hussein and hope he is gutted like
a pathetic lamb and his entrails doused in barbecue lighter
fluid and lit prior to his last pathetic breath. And now,
onto the fun!
Spearfishing is clearly a sport for the demented
alpha males whose bodies surge with the wine-blood known
to mankind as testosterone! To stand like a mastadon in
the flowing icy coldness of the piercing water-lake waiting
for the vomitous abomination called the northern pike, and
to then do battle with that razor-tooth bitchbeast holding
only a sharpened broomstick thrust into the water repeatedly,
well, one must have a ravenous lust to dominate or at least
to impress chicks!
At derby's end, all warriors trembled like
urinating kittens at the sight of champion Petey Gunderson
of the thriving snow metropolis of Moosejaw. The Great Gunderson,
four-star general of horrific fish-looking fish, thrust
his darkened spear with the power and accuracy of your American
NBA stars in the bedrooms of lustful concubines,
and marched proudly to the victor's stand crushing the skulls
of his competitiors with over 41 pounds of the saw-jawed
miniature hellfish known as the northern. Petey Gunderson
is the god-man among men! A true, blood-lusting, raging
male man of men born to dominate a primal ritual belonging
solely to the male of the species!
Second place went to Vicki Sue Walter at 40
pounds, 11 ounces.
And allow me please to say at this moment:
May the long-winded sabre of legal justice disembowel the
rodent Hussein like a fish filet knife of the power gods!!
And also, I'll next be covering some NASCAR,
so please stay tuned.
All praise the power of the loyal Canaraqi
fisherpeople!
|
