Well, which one has a shiny ol' winner's plate?

Wimbledon, Merry Old England - Seventeen-year-old Russian tennis phenom Maria Sharapova shocked the tennis world this weekend when she not only came off sexier and younger than Anna Kournikova, she actually won a major tournament, a feat Kournikova has not yet been able to accomplish. "Sharapova has some amazingly creamy skin," said Wayne, a tennis fan from Long Island. Added Chaz, a sports nut from Albuquerque, "She is so freakin' hot." Banter, a bartender at a sports bar in Chicago, said, "I just want to do her." And Todd of Fort Worth said simply, "Oh God. I think I just - " Shari Smuff-Gerkin, a publicist for Kournikova said, "Sharapova's cute for a Cossack, but actually winning a tournament to get a competitive edge on Anna - I mean, how low can you sink?" Smuff-Gerkin added, "Sharapova's face is so boringly classic - I mean, she has none of Anna's character - no baby fat on the cheeks, no bump on the nose, no extra half-chin, no dark roots showing near the skull--" At this point Anna Kournikova slipped out from the armoire in which she'd been hiding and joined the conversation solely to tell Smuff-Gerkin she had been fired that very second. Kournikova then stuck a hairpin in a doll of Sharapova and ran off. Meanwhile, Jim of Buffalo said, "I've left my wife for the infinitesimally small chance someday I might be able to date Sharapova," and Tommy Jack of Knoxville said, "She's a top-notch thigh-hugger, and at 17 years old, she's overdue for marriage in Tennessee." We could go on, but why?