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KOBE SCORES 22 IN COLORADO COURT!
Bearbottom, CO - Los Angeles Lakers
guard Kobe Bryant had his best outing since the
second game of the NBA Finals in court Monday,
scorching the prosecution in his sexual assault case for 22 points
in only 17 minutes. Assistant Prosecutor Margie Hzzz did counter
with 14 points of her own off weak Kobe defense, but Bryant hit
two threes as the court reporter read down a semen expert's testimony
and leads comfortably at the half. Kobe appeared happy to be free
of Phil Jackson's dreaded Triangle Offense as
he improvised drive after drive through the prosecution's box-and-one
defense. Action resumes next week.
MEDUSA TO PITCH SOFTBALL FOR GREECE!
Athens, Greece - Greek Minister of Procrastination
Constantin "Gus"
Constantinopolos diverted attention away from a story on how
the long jump pit will not be ready until 2007 by announcing that
the Greek god Medusa will pitch softball for
the Greek women's team. "She come from under, she come from
sidearm, she never work from stretch, which arm has ball? HahaHA!"
said Constantinoplos. "And," he added, "She knows
women from isle of Lesbos, we have pipeline now, you don't worry
about hole at shortstop!!" At this point Constantinopolos
donned a scuba mask and drank from a vat of fermented olive juice
for twenty minutes straight.
CBS TO TELEVISE WORLD SERIES OF CANASTA!
Television City, CA - CBS executives
announced here in this town made up entirely of television sets
that it will jump on the celebrity card game bandwagon this summer
by telecasting the World Series Of Canasta from Miami Beach, Florida,
August 17-21. "Canasta is a great, exciting game," said
vice president of programming Jerry Slug. "It has face cards,
and numbered cards, and a series of bidding, and... okay, we don't
know what the hell canasta is, but you have GOT to see these old
people scream at each other! It's nutty! We'll spice it up by
makin' 'em eat some kind of bug if they lose. Trust me, it'll
be hot canasta action!" The show will be hosted by Jerry
Stiller.
BCS INSTITUTES '3-CARD MONTY' BOWL!
New York, NY - The Bowl Championship
Series announced details of its plan to add a fifth sanctioned
bowl to next season's action. The added game will not be a championship
game per se but could be a championship game if the BCS polls
somehow get the number one and two teams into this added game.
The location of the game will not be announced but rather kept
secret under the roof of one of three domed facilities that will
be in constant rotation under the expert hand of a game runner.
Fans of the number one team will have to guess under which bowl
roof the game is located. If they guess successfully, the game
will be played. Unless the cops come and break it up.
BALD EAGLE KILLED BY LAWN DART!
Bordutears, MT - The 41st annual Bitzman family
picnic, which draws hundreds of relatives from nine western states,
turned ugly for the first time in years when Laird Bitzman, the
still-spry 91-year-old family patriarch, launched a lawn dart
skyward in an attempt to defeat his 4- and 6-year-old great nephews
and instead plunged it into the neck of a rare bald eagle. The
eagle is resting at the Bruce Willis Animal Hospital My EX Made
Me Build with what vets describe as "something in his neck."
Bitzman was released on charges of intentionally wounding an endangered
species, but was later picked up again when the 4- and 6-year-old
great nephews accused him of bouncing them on his lap in an inappropriate
manner.
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