|
US OPEN: CORRECT PRONUNCIATION IS 'SHINY
COCK'!
Puddingstand, Scotland - Officials of the U.S.
Open golf tourney, won by South African Retief
Goosen and held this past weekend at Long Island's Shinnecock
Hills golf course, have been pronouncing the course's name wrong
all week long, according to Scottish pronouncing expert Dame Lillian
Whitehead. "Uncouth Americans pronounce it 'shin-eh-cock,'"
said Whitehead, "but the authentic Scottish pronunciation
is 'shiny-cock.'" Apparently, in this context, a 'cock' in
Britain is a burmed hilltop. One bathed in sunlight would be considered
'shinne,' or 'shiny.' When told that in the United States, 'cock'
is a slang euphemism for male genitalia, Whitehead said, "Oh.
Well perhaps you should change that to the British slang, 'wanker.'
That would end your confusion right there!"
X-GAMES MAY ADD 'LIT PIPE!'
Hey Dude, CO - A SPORTALICIOUS! SCOOP! - Apparently
there's a movement afoot among X-Game competitors to widen the
annual X-Games competition and include not just
the half-pipe snowboard competition, but also the 'Lit Pipe' competition.
Sportalicious! reporters disguised as pizza deliverymen have been
able to ascertain that 'Lit Pipe' is apparently a full cylinder
of snow set aflame at both ends and then used as a snowboard run.
There is a chance the reporters may have just overheard several
X-Gamers smoking marijuana and got the whole thing wrong, but
where's the story in that? Really?
STAMOS WILL WRESTLE FOR GREECE!
Athens, Greece - Another coup for the athlete-starved
Greek Olympic squad - American television star John Stamos
has agreed to be a Greco-Roman wrestler for Greece! Stamos apparently
has much experience wrestling men, but fortunately for the Greeks,
he's never gotten paid for any of it and thus retains his amateur
status. Stamos told the Greeks that if they give him an extra
week he may be able to talk Dave Coulier and
Bob Saget into wrestling as well.
SPORTALICIOUS' AL SAHHAF DETAINED
AT CANADIAN BORDER!
Yup, Canada - Former Iraqi Minister of Information
Mohamed Saeed al-Sahhaf, who
is now a correspondent for Sportalicious!, was detained at the
Canadian border after being sent to Great Slave Lake to cover
the Spearfishing Derby. "I understand the tenseness of our
current times in which we exist," said a visibly shaken Sahhaf,
"but just because my passport is still Iraqi and I used to
work for the ruthless dictator Saddam for decades and I enjoy
a good garlic clove now and again, is that reason enough to demand
a search into the nether regions of my body that only Allah should
see and only then if He absolutely has to? I say to you, 'no,
it is not!'" Canada said they would mail Sahhaf's belt and
what he calls his 'driving sabre' back to him in a month. Sahhad
was so upset that his report on the Spearfishing tourney will
be delayed. But spearfishing fans know, with Sahhaf, the wait
will be worth it.
NBA 'UNKNOWN FATHER'S DAY' PICNIC A
SMASH!
Shreveport, Louisiana - The NBA's
second annual Father's Day Picnic For Kids Who Might Be The Illegitimate
Children of NBA Stars was a smash success. Unwed mothers from
around the league's cities were bused to Shreveport with their
bastard children courtesy of the league. Once there they participated
in carnival games, got a tour of the Shreveport river, and attended
seminars on "How to pursue legal action without going to
the press," and also, "Make Sure He's Got Daddy's Eyes
Before Opening Your Mouth." No NBA players attended.
|
|
