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"...and I thought it was my breath." |
Los Angeles, CA - Doctors at Last Surgeon
Standing Hospital here in Los Angeles have completed a battery of tests
on the ailing Los Angeles Lakers and said that the reason
for their playoff collapse, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is a collective
allergic reaction to veteran point guard Gary Payton,
acquired in the off-season from the Milwaukee Bucks.
"Reactions range from an upper-arm skin rash to pure hate,"
said Dr. Johnny Felf, who's currently in third place in the Last Surgeon
Standing rankings and has secured himself a guaranteed spot in the finals,
to be aired on ABC. "I didn't want to say anything at the time because
I'm too spiritual, but this is clearly why we lost," said former
Lakers coach Phil Jackson from his private space shuttle
on vacation orbiting Mars. According to Dr. Felf, pheromones given off
by Payton actually, physically get under the skin of people who he comes
in contact with on a regular basis and begins to cause an allergic reaction
within, in some cases, three seconds. Lakers center Shaquille
O'Neal suffered hair loss early in the season that developed
into melancholia. Normally steady guard Derek Fisher
at first appeared unaffected, then began coughing and discovered he had
a bronchial condition similar to Coal Lung. And Kobe Bryant
caught what's known as "egobluster" - a combination of narcissism
and anger - and has not been able to shake it all year long. Payton was
giving a guest lecture at the Glaring & Staring Academy and did not
have anything to say for perhaps the first time ever.
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