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NFL CELEBRATES
UNKNOWN FATHER'S DAY!
New York, NY - On Sunday, Father's Day, the NFL
held all-day, family-style barbecues in eight of its biggest cities
for unwed mothers and their children. "We just don't know
for sure how many of these kids were sired by NFL players,"
said spokesman Ron Pill, "so we got together with the Players
Union and figured this would be the easiest way to cover it all."
Players donated thirty seconds of their salaries to help fund
the picnics, and according to Pill, "the only requirement
for the moms is that they can't bring their lawyers if they have
a paternity suit pending. We're not feedin' attorneys for free."
Games for the kids included Punt, Pass & Kick, sack races,
and Which NFL Player Do YOU Look Like?
BIG XII BECOMES BIG XXI!
Buzz Kill, KS - On the heels of the Big
10 Conference absorbing most of the Big East
to become the Big 17 (Sportalicious!
June 3), the Big XII Conference announced
they have absorbed seven members of the Mountain West
Conference and will then pool resources to build two
new universities from scratch to become the Big XXI Conference.
"With the Big Ten's move, we had to do something or risk
becoming a non-factor," said Big XXI spokesman Gerry Feltrow.
The Mountain West Conference will cease to exist, with all its
members being absorbed except San Diego State.
The Aztecs announced they would drop football and emphasize their
skateboard team instead. Regarding the brand new schools, Feltrow
added, "We broke ground yesterday in Omaha for the new Omaha
Steaks University, and next week we pour foundation in Dallas
for Dr. Pepper A&M." Both schools will be ready to be
pummeled in football this coming season.
FUNNY CIDE ENTERS REHAB!
Hazelden, MN - Kentucky Derby
and Preakness winner Funny Cide
announced at a teary-eyed press conference Tuesday that he has
entered Minnesota's famous Hazelden Clinic to recover from alcohol,
lasix and sex addictions that grew to astounding proportions during
his run for the Triple Crown and were major contributors
to his disappointing
fade in the Belmont Stakes. "I was a
mess," said Cide. "I mean hell, I called Charlie
Sheen to see if I could buy his old bus. I slept two
nights at a strip club, if you could call it sleep. I had a vet
travelling with me whose only job was to..." At this point
Cide stepped away from the mic and could not continue. He handed
his cell phone and harness over to doctors and trotted inside
the clinic.
SINGH SAYS COLLAPSE CAUSED BY FEMALE
PRAIRIE DOG BITE!
Way south of the bad part of the South Side of Chicago,
IL - He-man woman-hater golfer Vijay Singh
blamed his stunning collapse in the last round of Sunday's U.S.
Open golf championship on a bite he claims he sustained
from a female prairie dog in the rough off the very first hole.
"Women of any species should not even be allowed on the course
at any time or place ever," said the Fijian. Apparently the
threat of monkeypox from the prairie dog bite kept Singh off-balance
the rest of the round. "Yes, the Jim of Furyk-man played
quite well," added Singh, "but it does nothing to offset
the basic truth that women are evil. Human women, prairie dog
women, it matters not. The sexiness has no place on a golf course
except of course on the Playboy foldouts taped to the walls of
the landscaping equipment sheds. Fiji has much to teach the world."
Singh added angrily, "How come I did not get flashed?"
MEN ARRESTED FOR BOOING CADDY!
Way south of the bad part of the South Side of Chicago,
IL - One of the most touching moments in recent sports
memory - Tom Watson and his ill caddy Bruce
Edwards walking off the final hole of the U.S. Open arm
in arm - was marred when a drunk Chicago truck driver, Mel Cudge,
and his completely hammered son, Cud Cudge, ran onto the green
near bleachers full of fans chanting "Bruce! Bruce"
and added their own chant of "Boo! Boo!" Stunned police
wrestled the Cudges to the ground. "We thought they was booin',"
said Mel, sporting twelve more stitches to his forehead, "so
we booed. Honest. We was drunk. It's a Cudge Father's Day tradition.
Hey, people LOVE our act up at Comiskey Park!"
Added Cud Cudge, in an ankle cast, "Man, golf fans are f*&kin'
touchy." |
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