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ZAPRUDER'S 'SMARTY' FILM: 2ND 'DRAG-ASSIN'
IN INFIELD!
Dion and the Belmonts, NY - Ezekiel Zapruder's
grainy, black-and-white home movie footage of the shockingly
controversial Smarty Jones loss in last week's
Belmont Stakes appears to show a second tranquilizer
gunman hiding in a grassy knoll in Belmont Park's infield! Jones
appeared to have lost the race legitimately but post race examination
revealed a small tranquilizer pellet in his right ass cheek and
another in his left nut, one that had apparently passed through
the neck of governor George Pataki. Visa, which
stood to lose $5 million dollars if Jones had won the Triple
Crown, has denied involvement. Zapruder's shaky footage
will eventually be analyzed by the recently-formed, federally-appointed
Warren Zevon Commission.
TUBSTER RECOVERING!
Las Vegas, NV - Sportalicious! gambling tipster
The Tubster is
recovering nicely from esophagus reassembly surgery caused by
a gastric bypass operation that went awry. The 483-pound "Sage
Of The Sportsbook" had a rubber/teflon ring placed around
his upper stomach in an effort to lose weight, but the ring snapped
off violently after three apple bearclaws were shoved through
it, and the careening ring shrapnel ripped through the Tubster's
esophagus, as he put it, "like pistachio nuts in a good mortadella."
Doctors at Las Vegas's Fantastic Voyage Hospital surprisingly
repaired the esophagus with auto-body putty, which has been proven
to hold for well over three decades. Doctors feel that the Tubster's
heart will give out long before that deadline. The putty is medically
acceptable, but does give most desserts a paint-y aftertaste.
OSU: KNIGHT MAY NOT HAVE TO BE ON CAMPUS
TO COACH!
Columbus, OH - Ohio State University's
quest to hire Bobby Knight as its new basketball
coach got a shot in the arm from Buckeye Booster president Frank
Klubstritz, who hatched a plan to hire the coach but actually
somehow keep him off university property per se. "He's so
loud he can actually coach the team from an RV we've parked on
a non-school owned vacant lot across from the sports complex,"
said Klubstritz, "and we didn't skimp, it's a nice-ass RV.
Got a state-of-the-art megaphone donated from the Ohio National
Guard Nuclear Attack Aftermath Squadron, so all the deans and
professors and eggheads can stop bellyachin' about Bobby settin'
foot on their precious campus!" Knight actually has experience
coaching from a distance, having led the US Junior team to third
place in the '91 World Championships from the rooftop of a brothel
across the street from the Puerto Rican National Arena in San
Juan.
LINGERIE LEAGUE LOSES TWO TEAMS!
Velvety Hills, CA - The fledgling Lingerie
Football League was dealt another blow this past weekend when
two franchises, The Nashville Nipples and the Chicago Crack, folded
for monetary reasons. The team rosters will be divvied up by the
remaining four franchises in a supplemental draft, or as the league
calls it, a "Strap On" draft. Those players that remain
unselected will receive assistance from the league office to help
get them back on their feet stripping, or back on their back whoring.
FIRECRACKER ALERT!
Port Graffiti, MO - The Fireworks Industry Council
has begun a series of monthlong alerts leading up to July 4th
and designed to help consumers deal with changes in the complex
world of firecrackers. Due to national security, the federal government
requested the industry come up with firecrackers designed to sound
more pleasant and less violent so innocent bystanders did not
mistake drunk guys farting around with firecrackers for terrorists.
The new products introduced this year will have the same colorful
flaming plumes as always, but the sounds they make will be more
wholesome and family-oriented, like the new ChurchBell Bomb, the
Mmmm-80, the Windchime Rocket, and the Chuckling Snake.
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