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Athens-by-the-Sea, Greece - Greek Minister
of Procrastination Constantin "Gus"
Constantinopolos shocked journalists at a press conference Sunday
by interrupting his report on Olympic building delays
with the shout, "American film Goddess Nia Vardalos
will be running the 200 meters for the mother country!" Vardalos
was in Thule, Greenland at the Way Far North Atlantic premiere of her
movie "Connie & Carla" and could not be
reached for comment, but a spokesman from My Big Fat Greek Production
Company said, "she has been jogging a lot." Strapped for quality
athletes, the Greek Olympic Committee has decided instead to go for star
power, attempting to attract any famous Greek-Americans who have not competed
internationally in track and field and have their amateur status intact,
regardless of their actual athletic prowess. "We need to put asses
in the seats," said Constantinopolos, "we'll even take half-Greeks,
and in a pinch - I can't believe I'm saying this! - Italians who look
Greek." Vardalos has already been penciled in for the 200 meters
and as a backup in the 100 meters if Olympia Dukakis
bails. Bob Costas (wrestling), Costas Mandylor
(that gymnastics thing with the paper streamers), Michael Dukakis
(basketball), Kitty Dukakis (heptathlon), the Dukakis
kids (400 meter relay), and Michael Constantine (weightlifting)
have "not told us no yet," crowed Constatinopolos. Incidentally,
for those interested in the first part of Constantinoplos's press conference,
the track stadium is 31 days behind schedule, the diving pavilion is 37
days behind, the marathon route is 56 days behind, the boxing arena is
121 days behind and the starter pistols still cannot be found. The nineteen
Olympic Fried Feta Cheese stands are however, up and running.
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