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MIGHTY
DUCKS GET SPEECH FROM STEWART, LOSE!
East Rutherford, NJ - The dazed and dominated
Anaheim Mighty Ducks, who got pounded in game
seven of the Stanley Cup Playoffs 3-0 by the
New Jersey Devils, revealed today part of the
problem may have been a pre-game pep talk from etiquette marshal
Martha Stewart. "We're in ze locker room
listening to a Toby Keith CD, and zen I think
it was Rammstein, when ze phone rings,"
said a normally tremendous French Canadian goalie on the Ducks
who asked to remain anonymous and speaks with an accent women
inexplicably find adorable. "Like a fool, I pick it up. It
is Martha Stewart. She asks to go on ze speaker of phone. Like
a fool, I punch ze button. I shame myself and all of French Canada."
Stewart reportedly wished the Ducks well but then informed them
that they shouldn't resort to violence to settle disputes. She
added that avoiding conflict in a social situation is always the
best option, and that they should never force anyone else into
a 'face off.' "She had hypnosis music, I think it was Kenny
G, in ze background. It was very, very bad for us. And,
I tried her orange cranberry relish recipe and somezing is wrong.
It tastes like bitterness. Poo on ze Martha Stewart." After
the game Stewart demanded that the victorious Devils fill the
Stanley Cup with an array of seasonal citrus fruits.
NBA POINTS TO MARTHA FOR RATINGS BUST!
Los Angeles,CA - Executives of ABC
and ESPN claim floundering ratings for their
telecasts of the NBA Finals could be traced back
to America's sassy sous chef Martha Stewart. It has been discovered
that during the earlier rounds of the playoffs Stewart donated
lavish gift baskets to all the major market teams, and two to
each player on the Los Angeles Lakers. Those
lavish gift baskets were extremely well received by players but
may have contained a potpourri scent and Italian wedding almonds
that were laced with a form of the muscle relaxant Vicodin. "The
hand-lettered card said,'take a whiff and have an almond for luck,"
said a still mellow Kobe Bryant of the Lakers.
"We did. And we got our ass beat. Damn. Pass me that Cabernet."
Stewart's motivation for having minor market teams in the NBA
finals may be traced to top secret talks regarding syndication
of a new weekend show, "Martha: I Know It All." Oddly,
the Italian wedding almonds have also tested positive for saliva.
HENIN-HARDENNE DROPS STEWART, WINS
FRENCH!
Coque au Vin, FRANCE - French Open
winner Justine Henin-Hardenne told reporters
her historic inability to 'finish' in big tournaments ended when
she dumped style nazi Martha Stewart from her consulting team
last month. Said the demure Belgian, "She has bad attitude
for tennis. She like me to wear binding clothes. All time. Binding.
She always say, 'binding good.' Very tough to hit backhand when
binded. I say to her, 'I not see binding in magazines of fashion.'
She tell me, 'shut up and get in girdle.'" Henin-Hardenne
said she used a Romanian gypsy warlock who was an expert at breaking
Svengali-like trances. "Besides," added Henin-Hardenne,
"I use her method to remove paper off wall, nearly choke
on fumes. Somezing wrong."
MARTHA MAY MANAGE YANKS!
The Nice Part Of Long Island, NY - Speaking off-the-cuff
at a Hamptons wedding he'd crashed knowing no one would throw
him out, New York Yankees owner George
Steinbrenner said flatly that if Joe Torre
continues to make blunders as a manager and fails to raise the
Yanks from their torpor, he would not hesitate to fire him and
seriously consider food princess Martha Stewart as new dugout
leader. "She's decisive, " said Steinbrenner, reaching
over for another handful of baked brie eclaires, "she's smart
but merciless, she's creative, and she cheats. I like her resume.
I like an exec with some prison time on 'em." Steinbrenner
excused himself to go sing "Hot In Herre" with a Nelly
impersonator. Steinbrenner later caught both the garter and the
bouquet.
MR. STATS INJURED IN BRAWL!
Mullet Bluffs, NY - Sportalicious' own Glen Furg,
"Mr. Stats," was beaten
with fake antique drink trays at an Applebee's in this small community
south of Belmont Raceway, for erroneously claiming
horse racing's Triple Crown was made up of four
races, not three, in his otherwise error-free
column from last week's Sportalicious! The mob of ten to twelve,
all under 4' 7", was allegedly led by none other than America's
haute hostess, Martha Stewart, who not only shouted insults at
Furg for his stupid oversight but also instructed the mob on how
to use the edges of the fake antique drink trays to cause maximum
damage on Furg. Furg was taken to Hold Your Horses Veterinary
Medical Center and fortunately is listed in "may not need
to be shot" condition. |
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