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Cork Ribs anyone? |
The following is a transcript from Sportalicious!
reporter Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf's
questioning of Martha Stewart at a press conference
earlier this week in New York:
MSaS: As the Bedouin have written in the sand, "The perfect
life of a madwoman does not exist" ... Life actually has
it's flaws, does it not, Ms. Stewart?
MS: I'm not sure I know what you mean. You are...?
MSaS: I am Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf from Sportalicious!
MS: Sport- what? I've never heard of that.
MSaS: That is because you are too busy pecking the skulls of Americans
clean of brain matter like a ravenous vulture who must also feed
many stinking carrion.
MS: Is this some kind of joke?
MSaS: I assure you Ms. Stewart, you will not laugh when the flames
from your raging intestinal fire singe your esophagus beyond any
hope.
MS: Uhhh... let me take another question from someone else-
MSaS: SILENCE! You will do none of the sort or the gods of virulence
will boil fish oil in your orifices!
MS: Good lord-
MSaS: And I mean every orifice, Ms. Stewart, including the filthy
hole of pork hogs!
MS: Oh my god-
MSaS: Now answer or watch your own eyes explode! Did you fill
Wall Street with the putrid stench of oozing weakness? DID YOU?!
MS: Please, please-
MSaS: FEEL THE ORANGE HEAT OF RIGHTEOUSNESS MOLD YOUR TONGUE TO
THE TRUTH!!
MS: Ahhgggghh- Uccchhh - (coughs up something small and black)
- oh, God - (whispers) get me toothpaste and some seltzer -
MSaS: The Scythians of Justice wait with raised scimitars! SPEAK!
MS: YES! (cough) oh god - YES! My throat - YES! I ...cheated.
(coughs)
(startled murmers of other reporters)
MSaS: And?! AND?! What else? Speak before you are brewed into
the steeping slop the hellgoths drink through laughing straws!!--
MS: AGHHHH! YES! (cough) Yes, I have... done other... bad things.
MSaS: Good. Describe these quagmires of evil
or forever the cries of miserable hostesses you have cheated will
echo in your Cavern OF PITUITARY DOOM!
MS: I - I... I corked Sammy Sosa's
bat.
(at this point chaos erupts among reporters, Stewart gains
a measure of resigned composure, and others fire questions at
her while al-Sahhaf takes a self-satisfied breather for Turkish
coffee and mini-Ritz cheese bites.)
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