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COSTAS MAY WRESTLE FOR GREECE!
Athensville, Greece - Greek Minister of Procrastination
Constantin "Gus"
Constantinopolos announced Sunday that NBC
sportscaster Bob Costas is seriously considering
wrestling for the nation of Greece. Costas is of Greek descent
but because he has not wrestled for any other nation, or for that
matter has not wrestled at all, ever, could declare for the Greek
National Team. "Pooey on his NBC schedule,"
said Constantinopolos as he polished off two stuffed grape leaves,
"he would take people's minds off the fact that the wrestling
matches will be held in the parking lot at the Parthenon because
we won't have the Wrestledome done until 2007." Constantinopolos
said Costas "looks like a natural wrestler, no? Hah? Right?
Ya?" Costas said the only wrestling he's ever done in his
life is wrestling with the pronunciation of the last name of Minnesota
Twins' slugger Doug Mientkewicz. "It's
essentially 'Man-kayvage,'" said Costas. "Crazy!"
SERENA'S GUNS BIGGER THAN GARY PAYTON'S!
Lats, NV - Pumped American Magazine says it's
official - tennis megastar Serena Williams has
bigger, more defined biceps than Los Angeles Lakers
guard Gary Payton! "You could just about
fit both Payton's arms inside her right gun," said "Pumped
American" editor Ray Steve Zang. Serena also beat out the
Yankees' Mariano Rivera and NASCAR's
Jeff Gordon. "Those muscles are the ones
that get most exercised during her game," said Zang, "and
that's why Payton's jaw muscles are larger than anyone else's."
HORNY GUYS MOVING IN DROVES TO COLORADO!
Boulder, CO - Horny single American men are moving
in large numbers to Boulder, the hometown for the University
of Colorado, and preparing for more wild football parties
from Colorado Buffaloes' coach Gary Barnett.
"This is the silver lining in all their troubles," said
Gene, a horny guy from Michigan's Upper Peninsula, "I mean,
what a boon to the local economy - horny guys spend money on ANYTHING
they think might help 'em get not horny!" Leo, a horny guy
from Florida, said, "You can see it in Barnett's eyes, he's
not backing off the throttle." Glenn, a horny guy from New
Jersey, said, "I hear there's free parking at the strip clubs!"
Over two thousand new male residents have moved to Boulder this
month. Attendance at adult clubs and sales of Denny's
Grand Slam breakfasts and convenience store Slim Jims
have all doubled recently.
TUBSTER SURGICAL COMPLICATIONS LEAVE
HIM LAID UP!
Redwelt, NV - Sportalicious! gaming tipster the
Tubster may not be back
online as soon as we and he thought! The bon vivant and oddsmaker,
who's stunning 50.59% correct/49.41% incorrect ratio is currently
tops in what's known as "Vegas Periphery properties,"
had his stomach stapled, bound and stuccoed shut last month at
Queen of Chiggers Hospital in the Vegas desert. But ironically,
it appears one of the surgeons left his lunch, a bratwurst sandwich,
inside Tubster's then-483 pound body, and complications arose
when Tubster's stomach kept trying to double over towards the
prostate and absorb the sandwich. Tubster was re-opened up this
weekend by famed Las Vegas stomach surgeon Lance Velour. Hilarious
magicians Penn & Teller opened for Velour.
UNIDENTIFIED TOES HALT LAWN
MOWER DEMOLITION DERBY!
Islip, NY - The Riding Mower Demolition Derby
was cancelled during its inaugural race when nine toes were sheared
off in the first 14 minutes but only seven were successfully matched
back to their drivers. "This shouldn't mar what was clearly
a tight competition and a crowdpleaser, but I guess the police,
the Board of Health, the Sanitation Department, the Governor's
Task Force on Human Rights, the drivers' wives and the horrified
John Deere rep thought otherwise," said
a disappointed Gene Dinwiddy, commissioner of the Derby. Dinwiddy
said the next stop on the Demolition tour, in Giantbeetle, South
Carolina, would stay on the books pending negotiations with the
local Red Cross Blood Bank. "If we can rush
a guy with a gushin' toe stump to the blood bank, hey, everybody
wins!" South Carolina officials said they would arrest Dinwiddy
at the border.
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