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Had the sniper failed, Visa could have used
"Cubey" the spiked
sugarcube, the Visa Stalliontripper, or the Visa Trapdoor. |
Canasta, NY - Smarty Jones'
bid for the Triple Crown was thwarted not by winner Birdstone
but by a tranquilizer dart! A dart hole was found in Jones' ass, and a
dart could have been fired from the gun of a sniper hired by Triple Crown
sponsor Visa, which for over a decade now has offered
a $5 million-dollar bonus if a horse can win the Triple Crown -- and none
has. "Whew! Dodged a bullet there, no pun intended," said Visa
publicist Marnie Spliff-Pudge, who denied Visa had anything to do with
a possible sniper plot. But interviewed after the race by a horse whisperer,
Jones himself disagreed. "Something stung my ass and it wasn't a
bee," said a visibly irate Jones, according to Gordon Run Without
Pants, a Hopi horseman who happened to be in New York to catch the Tony
Awards. Run Without Pants added that Jones felt a feeling of
sedation surge through his body immediately, "like a red peyote buzz."
Jockey Stewart Elliott tried to take the high road in
post-race interviews but it was blocked by the Fox News
reporter, and Elliott reluctantly admitted that after Jones took the lead
by four lengths coming into the final stretch, he heard a "Sphhhhhht!"
sound and his horse lost a step. "C'mon, how can you hear a 'sphhhhht'
sound through all the thundering hooves and crowd noise?!" asked
Visa publicist Spliff-Pudge. "Besides, a tranquilizer dart doesn't
go 'sphhhhht!' Anyone who's heard it on a regular basis knows it's more
of a 'thhhhhkk,' or even 'pffffffnk.'" Spliff-Pudge's husband, Petey
Pudge, is a former Marine Special Ops sniper who specialized in tranquilizer
hits, known in the business as "dragassinations," but Marnie
insists his whereabouts are a "matter of national security, you nosy
little s*%t." In a stunning coincidence, Ezekiel Zapruder, grandson
of Abraham Zapruder, shot grainy home movie footage of Jones' ass the
entire race and it will be analyzed by government horse's ass experts
in the coming weeks.
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