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STUNNED D'BACKS: 'WE
DIDN'T KNOW WILLIAMS WAS STILL HERE!'
Burnsoles, AZ - Sportalicious! reporters disguised
as Gatorade sales reps have discovered the reason the Arizona
Diamondbacks were shocked by third baseman Matt
Williams' retirement announcement last weekend - they
thought he had not only retired in 2001 but completed a league-wide
farewell tour. 'I could've sworn we had champagne at Shea
Stadium the last week of the season," said an unnamed
source, "and I think he drove an ugly old classic Chevy El
Camino, and I haven't seen that in the parking lot in a long time."
A starting center fielder for the D'Backs who asked to remain
anonymous disagreed, saying, "The El Camino was Shilling's
and he traded it in on a red Escalade. Williams drove a purple
Dodge Ram he got for free." Still other sources claim the
last two seasons Williams took a cab to the stadium in an effort
to increase his tax deductions. The confusion has prompted the
D'Backs to introduce assigned parking with players' names stenciled
right on the asphalt. The D'Backs have no open promotional nights
left, so Williams retirement will be celebrated on "De-venom
Your Scorpion" nite August 29th.
BRODEUR CAUGHT WITH IMMODIUM ON
GLOVE, STICK!
Nearly New York, NJ - New Jersey Devils'
goaltender Martin Brodeur is being investigated
by the NHL for coating his equipment with the
anti-diarrheal drug Immodium in effort to help stop anything from
getting by him. Brodeur is the first playoff goalie in over fifty
years to open a Stanley Cup series with two shutouts,
which raised the suspicion of the league. "Why me?"
said Brodeur. "It is because I am French Canadian. J'accuse!"
Brodeur added, "Besides, Immodium is not illegal in the league."
The league said Immodium was indeed not illegal, if administered
orally, because it created less bathroom breaks and quicker play.
It is unclear what the rules are regarding exterior application.
In tests at Tufts University, pucks fired at
a tub of Immodium did indeed seem to veer or stop if their speed
was under 60mph. Brodeur and his gear will undergo blacklight
tests prior to every remaining game in the series with Anaheim.
NEW TIEBREAKER TRIPS UP VENUS AT FRENCH
OPEN!
L'Arrogance, France - Women's tennis star Venus
Williams was upset at the French Open
this past weekend when Russian Vera Zvonareva
forced Williams into the new "television-friendly" tiebreaker.
Williams lost the tiebreaker coin toss and then incorrectly spelled
Zvonareva's last name, forfeiting the match. A somewhat upset
Williams chopped down the umpire's chair with her racket before
heading for the showers, but commentator Mary Carillo said, "It
was actually pretty exciting. She got past the 'Z-V' thing at
the beginning but added a 'J' somewhere, and that was that. It
was way more exciting than another 20 minutes of women's tennis."
Had Williams succeeded in spelling Zvonareva's name, Zvonareva
would've had to 'rock the cradle' with a French Open-sanctioned
yoyo.
BIG TEN BECOMES BIG 17!
Cousins Bend, FL - Big Ten athletic
directors voted at their spring meeting at the Woozy Jellyfish
Resort and Spa to absorb almost the entire Big East Conference
and become the Big 17. Miami, Syracuse,
Virginia Tech, Boston College,
West Virginia and Pitt will
move to the Big Ten, increasing its bowl revenue to three-quarters
of a bazillion dollars, slightly under expectations but competitive
nonetheless. Rutgers, UConn
and Temple have announced they've formed the
Three Little Pigs Conference. They will now play flag football
and have promised to finish their season by October 1.
FOREMAN TO FIGHT POPIEL!
Loosechange, NV - Former heavyweight champion
George Foreman, 54, has come out of retirement
once again and will fight TV pitchman Ron Popiel,
81, for the vacant Our Gang Boxing Council heavyweight belt. Foreman
and Popiel have traded barbs on the shopping networks over who
first thought of sticking junk under a grille to tilt it maybe
an inch, draining 9% of the grease that hamburgers are drowning
in, and those barbs have turned ugly enough for promoter Bob
Arum to step in with a pay-per-view title fight proposal.
Popiel has no professional boxing experience but said that early
in his career he had to fight his way out of "many a hillbilly
county fair" with his fists and suitcase of cheap 'miracle'
knives. The fight is scheduled for August 13 at Fontenot's By
The Creek Bed in Carson City. David Lee Roth
will fight Sammy Hagar on the undercard. Foreman
will simultaneously fight and call the fight with veteran Jim
Lampley. |
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