|
WILLIAMS
ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS BUSH WITH SADDAM GUN!
Washington, DC - On a tour of the White House
Monday, former NBA legend Jayson Williams
accidentally grazed President George W. Bush
with a bullet from Saddam Hussein's captured
sidearm, presented to Bush by the military as a trophy of war
and apparently stored untended on a supply room bookshelf next
to a coffeemaker. Williams,
who was recently acquitted of shooting his chauffeur and then
weaving an Amish blanket with the Harlem Globetrotters
while the chauffeur bled to death, was taking a celebrity tour
of the White House when he saw the gun out of the corner of his
eye and made a beeline for it. Bush himself went to admire and
handle the weapon with Williams, but because neither apparently
knows how to fire a gun, the pistol discharged suddenly and grazed
Bush on the ear. The White House said it was a minor injury and
blended in with Bush's bicycle wounds. Bush, however, announced
he would immediately take two weeks off at his ranch to recover.
STEPHANOPOULOS TO LIGHT OLYMPIC
TORCH!
Athens, Greece - Greek Olympic spokesman Constantin
"Gus" Constantinopolos announced Sunday that the
Greek Olympic Committee had selected none other than former Bill
Clinton White House advisor George Stephanopoulos
as the famous Greek person who would light the Olympic Torch during
opening ceremonies, scheduled to take place sometime between August
of 2004 and June of 2005. "Stephanopoulos represents everything
that is great about being Greek - he's short, he has dark hair,
he's in good enough shape to whistle at girls, he's cute, and
he was smart enough to leave Greece," said Constantinopolos.
"Besides," he added, "We wanted to go through a
list of world famous Greek athletes first, but there is no list
of world famous Greek athletes. You try. Go ahead. Try. Telly
Savalas? Actor. Besides, dead. Melina Mercouri?
Actress. Also dead. Alex Karras? 'Webster' negates
everything else. Come on. I'm waiting..." At this point,
Constantinopolos waited for over ten minutes in silence. Stephanopoulos
is working on his upper body strength with a private trainer in
order to lift the torch above his head.
FRENCH SURRENDER TO GERMANY AT CUP
QUALIFIER!
Fuhrbuhrdring, Germany - Moments before the opening
whistle of a World Cup Soccer preliminary match
between France and Germany, the French team surrendered to the
Germans at midfield and promised to help them rout the English
team when that match came up on the schedule. The French had talked
all week of pummeling the Germans, but that was later called a
"diversionary tactic" by captain ValJean Chabrol. The
Germans then publicly spanked the French on the buttocks and made
them wear kiddie-sized German jerseys on their bus ride back to
Paris.
LAST NASCAR DRIVER NAMED 'BUBBA' RETIRES!
A'Reckon, TN - Charlton "Bubba" Wilgips,
the last NASCAR driver on record with the nickname
"Bubba," called it quits before the Coca Cola
600 this past weekend at the age of 71. "Sometimes,
you just know when it's time," said Wilgips, who then fell
off the podium because he was not wearing state-mandated corrective
lenses. Wilgips was taken to Ain't Nuthin' Stickin' Out Emergency
Medical Center, was treated with a moon pie and some Dr.
Pepper and allowed to drive home on his own. Wilgips
is best remembered for winning the rain shortened 1958 Segregationist
300 in Birmingham, Alabama.
FRENCH OPEN DENIES AIRSPACE TO
SERENA LOB SHOT!
L'Arrogance, France - The French National Tennis
Association announced today that for the remainder of French
Open competition, the air space over the nets at Roland
Garros stadium would be denied to American Serena
Williams. "While we support all tennis players,
and while we helped the Americans defeat the British to form their
country to begin with, and while they could not have done that
without us and be standing here today ordering wrongly and loudly
at our restaurants and brasseries, and while the individual does
not represent the attitudes of the government, we cannot abide
by the policies of the United States and thus must deny our airspace
to any American military personnel...or tennis players,"
said Gerard Louis-St. Louis. Williams said the notion of winning
the tournament while hitting no shot more than three inches higher
than the top of the net would "be a cool new twist, and maybe
help keep my matches from ending at the eight-minute mark."
|
|
