Relax. He lapped this guy already.

Indianapolis, IN - Buddy Rice shocked the world Sunday by winning the rain-shortened Indy 500 in a modified 2004 Toyota Prius! While all the other racers were hampered by the damp, stormy weather, the Prius was aided by several strikes of lightning that shot the battery-charged vehicle forward at over 400 miles an hour for laps at a time. Rice was able to avoid several major accidents on the slippery track by merely disconnecting a giant red wire from the huge auxiliary battery pack on the passenger seat next to him and bringing the car to an instant halt. The vehicle's frightening appearance also served to cause several rubbernecking drivers to crash and eliminated some of Rice's toughest competitors. "Never thought a car looking like a gay spaceship would pay off, but here it is!" said the exuberant, soy-milk-soaked Rice. Unlike the other frantic, gas-driven pit crews, Rice's pit crew spent the afternoon watching the NBA Playoffs on a plasma screen, raising up occasionally only to throw six-packs of D-cell batteries into Rice's open window as he drove by. Rice himself read a book, phoned several friends and even made a prank call to Mapquest to tell them his GPS sytem was "goin' 'round in circles!" Track doctors said the pulses from the Prius may have shorted out several pacemakers in the grandstands, but no crowd member actually died. The Saudi Arabians lodged a protest with the Indy stewards claiming secret papers signed with the Nixon Administration guaranteed that only gas-guzzling race cars would be allowed to compete at Indy and thus help continue to prop up corrupt oil regimes, but the Saudis had no paperwork and the stewards denied the challenge. Rice's team is sponsored by Rahal/Letterman Racing, co-owned by talk show host David Letterman. Jay Leno immediately announced that next year he will sponsor a windmill-powered Indy car and will pay Buddy Rice twice what Letterman paid him to drive it.