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Sporting a resume of acting and singing
credits, much of which had been skillfully fabricated, the
beautiful Anthem-Singing
breasts joined Sportalicious in the winter of 2003 as
at-large correspondents. Their meteoric rise through show
business is a testament to their perkiness and likeability.
The Breasts, whose best credit prior to Sportalicious! was
"Girl At Bar" in the Jerry O'Connell movie, "Tomcats,"
nonetheless have tremendous male contacts all over the country
from their days in the dancing industry and somehow own
a knockout beach house in Malibu. The left breast does most
of the talking.
The new Lingerie
Football League is a joke and an insult to breasts across
this great land of ours.
REASON #1: The football. Sucks! Just because
they're sexy chicks in skimpy outfits doesn't mean they
can't get in the trenches and slam it. Where's the blocking
schemes? The sharpness off the ball? The execution? They
should be running laps for a week to pay for the sloppy
play. The fact they're in stiletto heels is no reason not
to TRY. "But we could have a nipple slip out of a bustier
on a busted play!" Stop whining, you newspaper bra
ad amateurs.
REASON #2: The sexiness. Sucks again! Lingerie
hides very little, and it looks like a lot of the franchises
spent Draft Night selecting cellulite. Come on, we're tight,
our friends are tight, their friends are tight! There's
women out there who look fantastic in a Victoria's Secret
Angel bra and garter belt and still know how to keep their
toes in bounds on a tight 12-yard down-and-out, I don't
care what kind of hooker boot they're wearing!
Step aside, amateur breasts. Let ladies who can handle two
things at once take over.
Signed, THE ANTHEM SINGING BREASTS
Read next week's issue for columnist Alan
Castagna's rebuttal!
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