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RACERS SUBMIT PLAN
TO RUN INDY 500 IN STRAIGHT LINE!
Speedway, IN - A consortium that includes drivers
Helio Castroneves, Michael Andretti
and owner Roger Penske have submitted a petition
to the Indy 500 steering committee with over
a thousand signatures requesting that the 500 be run in a straight
line away from Indianapolis. "The place makes Milwaukee look
like Rio," said Castroneves. Added Penske, "Sometimes
I just want to walk out of my hotel and get a decent piece of
fish, you know? That's not happening in Indiana, unless you want
it drenched in pump cheese." Andretti said the nightlife
in Indiana "sucks. Spectravision's five years behind. They
can't release 'Matrix Reloaded' here because
people are still tryin' to make sense of the first one."
Said Penske, "For the love of God at least we could finish
the race in another city." The three suggested destinations,
all roughly 500 miles from Indianapolis, are Atlanta, Kansas City,
and Memphis. The Indianapolis Chamber Of Commerce was having its
convention in New Orleans and could not be reached for comment.
PERRY WINS COLONIAL, ANNIKA
SAYS 'ASS LOOKED BIGGER'!
Fort Worth, TX - Unsung veteran Kenny
Perry used a hot short game to win the Colonial
golf tourney by six strokes for only his fifth win in nearly two
decades on the PGA tour. "Let's see him do it with water
weight," said a cranky Annika Sorenstam,
who shot five over par the first two rounds and missed the cut.
Sorenstam's much-ballyhooed appearance was complicated by a 'general
bloat-y thing," she said, adding, "I'm retaining water,
trying a new anti-depressant, it's hot as hell, and I don't know
if it was the course design or what, by my ass hasn't looked that
fat in golf pants in years." Colonial officials deny revamping
the course to make her ass look fat. "In fact," said
spokesman Bud 'Buddy' Adams, "Our sous chef is a chunky dame
and she looked kinda hot during a practice round. Fescue grass'll
shave a good ten pounds off your thighs." The gracious Perry
said he thought "her ass looked wonderful, especially in
the twilight on Friday."
CLINTON, BUSH IN SHOVING
MATCH AT INDY!
Speedway, IN - The notorious "party infield"
at the Indy 500 has claimed another victim - bipartisan rapport.
Former presidents Bill Clinton and George
Bush, both in attendance for the race, agreed to share
an infield beer "in the spirit of democracy," but things
quickly got competitive between the two. After 15 beers they escalated
to shots of hard liquor provided by roving women in bikinis with
portable tequila paks on their backs. As tens of thousands of
fans ignored the race and formed a circle, Clinton and Bush then
drank shots every time the PA announcer said, "Heeeeelliiio
Castroneves!" Things got heated when Clinton refused to give
Bush a handicap because of his age, so Bush shoved him into a
row of Hooters girls. Bush then won an auto trivia contest by
successfully defining the term "manifold," at which
point Clinton threw a half-full can of beer at Bush's head and
tackled him around the ankles. The two wrestled until both were
naked from the waist up and had to be separated by an E!
Television camera crew filming "Wild On... Indy."
BLUE JAYS SWEEP YANKS, PATAKI
SIGNS SYRUP BAN!
Toronto, Ontario, CANADA - Two days after the
Toronto Blue Jays won four games in a row from
the vaunted New York Yankees, New York governor
George Pataki has signed into law a Canadian
maple syrup embargo intended to weaken the Canadian economy and
force Toronto to released some of its better players in order
to save money. "This will hit them where it hurts,"
said Pataki. "We can use Vermont syrup, although I don't
much like them, either. I am urging pancake eating New Yorkers
to use straight fruit on your hotcakes, or honey, which is every
bit as natural as syrup, or hey, try bacon and eggs. It's delicious.
Have you tried basted eggs? A little butter - unbelievable."
Pataki said he felt the syrup embargo would be effective within
three weeks. Horse-drawn syrup sleds are already backed up on
the Canadian side of the Buffalo, NY customs checkpoint and several
groves of Canadian maple trees north of Toronto are complaining
of a "backed up, gaseous" feeling.
ABC MISTAKENLY THINKS HOCKEY
SEASON OVER!
Hollywood, CA - With approximately one-week's
time between the last NHL conference finals action
and any commencement of action in the Stanley Cup Finals,
ABC broadcast executives mistakenly assumed the
professional hockey season was over and sold the air time to other
programming that pulls in higher ratings, like "Smooth Jazz
TV" and "Chuck Norris Abflex" infomercials. An
ABC source who preferred to stay anonymous but who always wears
the same colored socks as his tie said, "None of us had been
following hockey that closely, and I phoned a callgirl I use in
Montreal and she said all the Canadian teams were out of it, so
we moved on." When informed that Finals participant the Anaheim
Mighty Ducks were still technically owned by Disney/ABC,
the exec said, "No. Get outta town. I never see them at meetings.
They'd come with their sticks and stuff, right?" ABC temporarily
filled some of the hockey holes with reruns of "Two Guys,
A Girl And A Pizza Place," which bumped up ratings 23%. A
hidden camera show, "It's Just Kids Throwin' Rocks,"
will air after the Finals, if the network is still financially
solvent.
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