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Sportalicious! is proud to introduce its
newest staffer, noted outdoorsman Dick
Baker. Dick answers your questions about everything outdoors!
So email your questions to outdoordick@sportalicious.com.
Dear Dick:
"I don't do much camping, but I'm going up north with a new
boyfriend this weekend and he said, 'Bring a sleeping bag!' Any
recommendations?"
- Jill, Tailsnip, OR
Dear Jill:
Wow, Tailsnip, huh? I flyfished Candyass Creek just outside there.
Beautiful country. Crack of dawn there can make your knees buckle.
So Jill, there's plenty of good sleeping bags on the market, but
if you're on a tight budget like lots of people nowadays, here's
somethin' just as good - get two thick plastic bags, like the
ones you put your food in when they fumigate your house, ripseam
'em, re-seal with duct tape to make one big bag, fill it with
regular ol' newspaper you put through your shredder, roll 'er
up - and off you go! Light, easy to handle, and the crinkly sound
it makes when you sleep keeps away mammals up to the size of a
badger.
Your friend'll respect your frugal ways, too! If he's got any
brains that is! Is he a nice guy? You serious with him yet? Is
he supportive of you? When you get back, send me some pictures!
Or if you want, just send a picture of yourself. Okeydoke, Jill.
You have a good time. Don't let him try any funny stuff. If he
does... and you get trapped against your will or held at knifepoint,
here's what you do:
If you're NOT tied up: find a pinecone - they're plentiful up
there - try to pick a dry one. Hollow out one end and fill with
regular ol' pine needles and a little of your nail remover polish.
Then stick a match in it like a birthday candle and light that
match. The Pine Cone Bomb serves two purposes, and you get to
choose - If left to burn it will send a signal above tree top
height that's visible for up to eight miles, depending on weather
conditions. Or if you need, you can use the Pine Cone Bomb as
a weapon, either thrusting it into your adversary's face or private
parts or tossing it into his tent.
If you ARE tied up: here's a trick I learned from a Sioux friend
who now deals blackjack at a very rustic casino in northern Minnesota
(good walleye fishing as well, but that's another column!) - sit
on your tied hands and rock. It's that simple. To your assailant,
the rocking looks like nervousness, but actually the moisture
from your buttocks serves to soften whatever it is you've been
tied with, and the friction slowly breaks down the now-humid fibers
til they tear. This may take up to fourteen hours, but it works
over 85% of the time.
So, Jill, you're set for a nice weekend in the Oregon woods -
just remember, bring your nail polish remover!
The opinions of Outdoor Dick may not necessarily
convey anything useful to actual humans.
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