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Hey. Everyone celebrates differently,
ok? |
Speedway, IN - Brazilian driver
Gil de Ferran fought off back and neck pain with
tenacity and a constant supply of the world's most popular pain-killing
drug and won his first Indy 500 in just under
three hours and 12 minutes. "I feel great, but that's the
only thing I feel," said de Ferran, who then proved it by
taking the traditional chug of milk which dribbled uselessly down
his numb cheeks and all over his snazzy jumpsuit. De Ferran has
crashed three times in his last four races, suffering serious
spinal and neck injuries as recently as March 23rd. But two of
his sponsors, BreezyCute Fabric Softener and Doctor Clogbuster
Liquid Plunger, are on the verge of bankruptcy and needed the
huge free advertising de Ferran's car would give them Sunday.
"I cannot let these people down," said de Ferran, "because
my clothes always smell so pretty and my toilets are never clogged."
And so de Ferran forced his pit crew chief, Inigo Montoya, to
put a crewmember on a new job: mix a Vicodin into a small Jello
vanilla pudding and spoon-feed it to de Ferran during every pit
stop. It was just enough to get him through, although de Ferran
stated he would "never have pudding again no matter how much
Bill Cosby beckons me to." Fellow Brazilian
Helio Castroneves finished second suffering from
only acute leg pain and another Brazilian, Tony Kanaan
finished third with just a mild headache. "Tony and I obviously
must re-injure ourselves more seriously going into next year's
race," said Castroneves. A steward's inquiry into the three
Brazilians use of a "samba line" strategy to finish
1-2-3 is expected to result in no official changes.
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