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WILLIAMS
ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS PLANE FROM SKY!
Luckiest Guy Ever Junction, NJ - Former NBA
legend Jayson Williams, who played his entire
38-week career with the New Jersey Nets and was
recently acquitted of shooting his chauffeur and then letting
the chauffeur bleed to death while he made 7-layer bean dip for
the Harlem Globetrotters, accidentally shot a
small Beechcraft three-seater prop plane from the sky with a surface-to-air
rocket launcher. Williams
claims he was duck-hunting at the time and that he likes duck
hunting with the rocket launcher because it cooks the bird completely
before it falls to the ground. According to Williams a duck pulled
an evasive maneuver at the last second and his rocket went another
2700 feet skyward, felling the Beechcraft piloted by 67-year-old
Bernice Klepstryki. The police exonerated Williams because they
all duck hunt and know how agile and tricky ducks are. Klepstryki
was able to land the wounded craft on the Interstate, where she
was promptly car-jacked.
MR. STATS BEATEN WITHIN INCH OF LIFE!
Cheddar Falls, WI - Here in the hometown of Sportalicious!,
statistics columnist Glenn Furg,
known as "Mr. Stats," was whipped senseless with a lead
pipe and a highway guardrail by a group of hooded men identifying
themselves only as "fans of horseracing and accuracy."
Mr. Stats' column in last week's Sportalicious! issue was mathematically
accurate in its analysis of Smarty Jones chances
of winning the Belmont Stakes and the Triple
Crown, but math nerd Stats unfortunately got some other
facts wrong, a habit that has cost
him in the past. Stats was beaten by the irate fans for calling
Smarty Jones Smarty Pants, Smarty Tarts and Smarty Farts. He was
then beaten again inside the ambulance for calling the Belmont
Stakes the DelMonte Stakes and claiming it was over ten miles
long instead of the actual length of a mile-and-a-half. Stats
jaw was wired shut but he did write on a pad that this decreases
the chance he'll get beat up after his next column.
GREEKS BUILD DORM JUST FOR TERRORISTS!
Athens, Greece - Greece's Minister of Procrastination,
Constantin "Gus"
Constantinopolos announced Monday that the Athens Olympic
Committee has built a special dorm hoping to lure terrorists to
it. "This way, if the terrorists come, we will know where
to find them," said Constantinopolos as he sucked plum wine
through a straw up his nose. The dorm is patterned after the Islamic
fundamentalist's vision of heaven and features the Koran on DVD,
pool tables, an open bar and hundreds and hundreds of nearly naked
concubines. The dorm is the second building actually finished
by the Greeks, the first being the Snacks Pavilion.
MICHAEL MOORE: SOCCER "WAY
BETTER" THAN AMERICAN FOOTBALL!
Cannes, France - After winning the Jury Prize
at this year's Cannes Film Festival for his scathing
anti-Bush documentary "Farenheit 9/11,"
American filmmaker Michael Moore immediately
held a press conference with seven gorgeous women he had just
met to announce that soccer was a better sport than football.
"American football is incredibly gross, it's all about the
forced procurement of land by means both appalling and--- is that
duck pate? Bring that here!" Moore never returned to his
diatribe, instead launching a conga line with the beautiful women
that snaked past a Dom Perignon cart and into a combination casino/brothel
where he joined Chris Tucker and the youngest
Gyllenhaal, Toots, for a round of baccarat. Moore later said that
he stuck by his guns about football, but that he thought snowboarding
showed promise for the American Psyche.
KOBE DONATES FREQUENT FLYER MILES!
Creepy Niche, CO - Los Angeles Laker
Kobe Bryant, on trial for requesting more than a restaurant
recommendation from a Colorado concierge, has piled up over a
million frequent flyer miles traveling from his professional basketball
games to his professional sexual assault trial, but has decided
to put the travel to good use - he's donating his free miles to
the Girls Gone Wild Relief Fund, an organization that helps young
women get back on their feet after they realize they've destroyed
their reputation by lifting their shirts and licking other women
on the breasts just for a video in which they have no profit participation.
GGWRF said the miles would be used to bring computer graphics
experts to and from a state-of-the-art edit facility in Northridge,
California, where they can manipulate the girls' facial image
in the videos so they look like someone else.
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