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COLLAPSING DOMINOES WORLD CUP CANCELLED DUE TO 'STAR WARS' PREMIERE!
Palo Alto, CA - The Collapsing Dominoes World Cup, the internationally reknowned competition in which sexually truncated genius geeks from the world over gather for three weeks to layout elaborate arena-sized artwork made of dominoes for the express purpose of knocking them down, was cancelled this week! Organizers threw in the towel when, of 17,000 registered participants, only nine showed up for the pre-meet Swedish Meatball Gabfest at Stanford stadium while the rest flooded Bay Area theatres for the premiere of "Star Wars III: Revenge Of The Sith." Organizers announced the contest will be moved to mid-September and spent prize money on Sprite and box-cameras for the big camp-out in front of George Lucas's Skywalker Ranch gates.
VIKINGS' SMITH SEZ KIT WAS FOR 'ITALIAN COOKIES!'
Minneapolis, MN - Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith, detained by airport security for carrying a drug detection-avoidance kit, gave a statement in a Minnesota courtroom stating that the kit was "for bakin' like Italian Christmas cookies, you know, like biscotti and scalide and dordide." When asked why there was no flour, baking soda, yeast, eggs, honey or sprinkles along with the kit, Smith said, "Hey, I'm not bakin' 'em right at the freakin' airport, I'm gonna bake 'em at home." When asked why he would be baking Italian Christmas cookies in the middle of summer, Smith said, "Practice. I ain't handin' any Italian people my first try at a scalide. No way."
RUSTY WALLACE GOES AFTER CARSON DALY!
New York, NY - After bumping talk show host Tony Danza from the rear in an exhibition go-cart race last week and forcing him to crash, NASCAR driver Rusty Wallace has now set his sights on Carson Daly! "His writin' staff called and asked if I'd be interested in runnin' him off the road," said Wallace. Apparently, there is no law against baiting talk show hosts into go-cart races and then bumping them til they slam into a pretzel vendor. Most talk show hosts like Daly have not heard the news about Danza because they get their news only from their writing staffs and the monologue jokes they submit. Nearly all talk show writing staffs have, for unknown reasons, not told their hosts of the incident. In fact, according to Wallace, over seven talk show writing staffs have inquired about booking him so he can run their hosts into pretzel vendors at high speed. Said Wallace, "I got me a full-fledged cottage industry."
CALIFORNIA BANS INTERNET HUNTING; PORN STILL OKAY!
Sacramento, CA - California lawmakers worked feverishly last week to pass legislation against any Californian getting on the internet and "hunting" game in Texas by merely clicking their mouse. "This will not affect your ability to download porn whatsoever," said House minority leader Pam Pheever, dressed in a revealing red leather bustier, "we respect our constituents needs here in California. Excuse me, I gotta jump in that cab and secure a couple of votes." The ban proves one thing to the nation: They will let you do ANYTHING in Texas. Texas businessmen in fact are attempting to legalize game hunting via seance. The Jamaican minister of trade issued a statement saying, "God, mon, we don't even have that and we're locked in a sick ganja cloud. Tip o' the cap to Texas."
STAR JONES MAY DATE REX CHAPMAN!
New York, NY - NBA television analyst and former University of Kentucky star Rex Chapman, who recently admitted he'd been criticized by administrators for dating black women as a student, has been contacted by the Star Jones camp to see if he had any interest in having an affair with Star Jones. Jones, who's married - no kidding, that's fact - is looking to jump on the "affair" fad, which has been quite hot in New York this spring, but she's yet to have any takers. Jones' sexual wrangler assistant, Petr Bonvanstivich, said, "Come on, I'm Bulgarian, I'm gay, don't jeopardize the best job I could ever get by asking me why no one will date Star Jones." Chapman was unfamiliar with Star Jones, but said he would date both Grace Jones and Smarty Jones to buck society's traditions.
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