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WILLIAMS
ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS PASSERBY FROM 120 YARDS!
Scary Forest, NJ - Jayson Williams,
who labored for the NBA's New Jersey
Nets for nearly 18 months before deservedly retiring
and who was recently acquitted of accidentally shooting his chauffeur
and then baking empanadas with the Harlem Globetrotters
while the chauffeur expired, accidentally shot a complete stranger
walking past a Jiffy Lube over a football field away from Williams
at the time. Williams stated the fact he had argued with the man
over a parking spot at a Bombay Bicycle Club
restaurant was coincidence. Williams was showing one of his long-range
buffalo rifles to a pair of exotic dancers hanging around the
trunk of his car when it accidentally went off.
GREEKS DEMAND COSTAS DO EVERYTHING!
Athens Lake, Greece - The Greek Olympic
Organizing Committee said it's notorious construction
slowdown is intentional and aimed at NBC, broadcaster
of the Summer Games! Sportalicious! reporters
disguised as black market olive bandits have discovered that the
Greeks are demanding NBC use Greek-American sports announcer Bob
Costas for everything -- every single sport, every throw,
every analysis, even commercial breaks. "He's Greek, we want
him, forget Hanna Storm," said Constantin
"Gus" Constantinopolos, "and if we don't get the
short Greek guy, well, you'll be running the 100-meter dash in
the train depot." Costas was briefing a kindergarten class
on the inticracies of baseball's new salary cap and was unavailable
for comment.
POSADA'S PEE HANDS - HITS FLY, BUT
BANNED FROM BUFFET!
New York, NY - Well, the pee has hit the fan
in the Big Apple! New York Yankees catcher Jorge
Posada, who admitted that he uses the ancient remedy
of rubbing his own urine on his hands to toughen them while keeping
callouses at bay and allowing him to bat without a glove, has
been banned from the Yankees opulent post-game buffet for health
reasons. "C'mon, wear a freakin' glove, it's the 21st century,"
said one Yankee, who asked to remain nameless for fear he would
be traded from the Yankees. "He ain't touchin' the smoked
turkey, and that's that," said another nameless Yankee. Posada
will be fed with tongs by a chef hired especially for that duty
by George Steinbrenner. If Posada's average drops
below .240, he will have to buy his own food at Subway.
SANDERS LEAVES "NFL TODAY,"
DOLBY NEEDLES BACK TO NORMAL!
New York, NY - Deion Sanders'
departure from CBS's NFL pregame show, "The
NFL Today," may cause some turmoil among fans, but
it's a big thumbs up from the CBS audio department. Sanders' wild
vocal modulations not only tortured dogs nationwide but required
CBS obtain sophisticated audio gear to capture the modulations.
"Finally, we can return this equipment to NASA
for their exploration of space sounds and we can go back to using
normal audio gear," said CBS spokesman Ned Bent.
NHL ADDS ELEVENTH STATE TO TV BROADCASTS!
New York, NY - The National Hockey League,
flush with the recent ratings success of the playoffs, has said
that's its consistent 0.9 ratings has given it the muscle to expand
pro hockey telecasts into an eleventh state! Illinois will be
added to the other ten states currently able to receive hockey
and is expected to boost the numbers by as much as 0.05 points.
Hockey has officially passed Irish hurling in the world sports
television ratings and is hot on the heels of Brazilian jai alai.
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