Too bad. There won't be water there 'til 2005.

West Athens, Greece - With an emphatic "Now get off our backs!" Greece's Minister of Procrastination Constantin "Gus" Constantinopolos ended a world-record short press conference in which he informed reporters that Greece would be "painted up like a World War Two hooker and ready" for the 2004 Summer Games no later than February, 2005. The press conference lasted only 36 seconds, and actually 18 of that was Constantinopolos repeating his original 18-second statement but more vociferously, in an effort to drown out reporters questions that he later termed, "misguided attempts at logic." Constantinopolos said "only impolite boorish athletes" would show up on the previously scheduled August, 2004 deadline for opening ceremonies, "like probably the Turks, pffhhh, I spit in their direction." Constantinopolos did not waste time sipping water, though he did swig from a decorative bottle of Ouzo and kiss a male assistant on his way to the podium. Despite the uncontrollable havoc this will wreak on countless national teams, not to mention fans, the airlines industry said its traditional $75 alteration fee per ticket would be enforced on all ticket changes. "Not our fault, not our fault, not our fault, not our fault," said airline industry spokesman Gary Ploodle over the phone, "but we do currently have a $99 one-way special on our Dayton-to-Key West route, would you like that? No? How about $238 from Omaha to Vancouver with only one stop in Cour d'Alene? No? Fine. Suit yourself." The International Olympic Committee took a break from receiving under-the-table drug company payments to release a statement saying they told the Greeks back in 1999 to build more time into the construction schedule for "arguing and eating, you know how you people are."