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CANUCK NETMINDER ENTERS
GOALIE PROTECTION PROGRAM!
Snowy Fist, the Yukon - After giving up 15 goals
in three playoff games and losing to the upstart Minnesota
Wild, Vancouver Canuck goalie Dan
Cloutier has joined the Canadian Goalie Protection Program.
"And don't you reporters come pilin' into Snowy Fist lookin'
for him, hey," said Royal Canadian Mountie Baird Humner.
"Ya won't find him. This is just a staging ground for the
program. We give 'em a new name, usually somethin' Scottish like
MacCumber, and a job as a service rep for like the Canadian Pacific
Railway, and then we ship 'em out right fast, hey, mostly over
to like Moose Jaw, or Saskatoon--" At this point, Officer
Humner was hit with a tranquilizer dart from the back of the room
fired by his superior officer, Captain Alan Mountbatten. Mountbatten
had 'no comment' to questions about Cloutier's new name, new job
with the Railway, and new location in Moose Jaw or Saskatoon.
"I will only add this," said Mountbatten, "Gump
Worsley may not be as dead as you think."
MING SUED BY FUNKSTERS FOR
STEALING ‘YAO’!
Can't Hide Love, NV – Legendary funk rock
group Earth, Wind & Fire has sued Houston
Rockets big man Yao Ming for stealing
their trademark funk phrase ‘yao.’ “We created
it back in the ‘70s” said Verdeen White,
the group’s bassist and one of their chief ‘yao’-ers.
“It just shot outta me like a pumpkin seed one afternoon."
White then sang, "That’s The Way – yao –
Of The World,” sing-adding, "Ba Dee Ya - yao - Dancin'
In September..." White then un-did several laces on his ruffled
shirt. “We took the Ohio Players to court
in ’79. Won. took KC and the Sunshine Band
in '84. Won. And 'Yao vs. Rick James' is cited
in legal textbooks as standard case law in phrase theft."
Added White, “Besides, where’s he get off bein’
7 foot 5?! Ain’t they taken enough from the black man, they
gotta take his ‘yao’ and his best sport?" Yao
had no comment. (Actually, he had a fairly vehement response,
but it was in a little-known Chinese dialect that stumped even
his translator, so all reporters agreed they would list his response
as 'no comment.') White's other lawsuit, against actress Dixie
Carter for stealing his hairdo for the old CBS
sitcom, "Designing Women," ended in a hung jury.
WILD PROVES HOCKEY NOT AS
HARD AS IT LOOKS!
St. Paul, MN - Made up mostly of bandits and
ex-cons, the low-paid Minnesota Wild's improbable success in the
National Hockey League playoffs has sent a shock
wave through the front office of every other franchise. "Obviously,
skill is not as important as we thought," said a source at
the Colorado Avalanche, who asked to remain anonymous.
"Good God, we're shellin' out money like a drunk Italian
at a craps table - nothing against Italians - but we're seriously
thinking of dumping half these guys and just going down to the
stockyards and the juvenile detention center and strappin' some
skates on some yahoos." A source for the Detroit
Red Wings who also asked to remain anonymous but married
into the family of the Avalanche source, if that helps, said,
"As soon as someone who's not in a coma takes over at ABC
Sports, we'll be gone and lucky to catch on with Comedy
Central. We're replacing our whole roster. We already
signed three guys who got thrown out of a topless bar in Saginaw
and four more from a prison bus that crashed in the Czech Republic."
The NHL headquarters said only "no comment, hoser."
NEW ONLINE BETTING SERVICE
BASED IN LONDON PORTA-PODDY!
Fartford-on-Thames, UK - Longpeter's Betting
Salon went online Monday with its entire operation emanating from
a new Microsoft
iLoo portable internet-equipped bathroom located at the corner
of Softqueen and Hooligan streets in this northwest London suburb.
"We are fielding bets up to 10,000 pounds both online and
in person," said head bookmaker Donnie Blur, "though
it's a tad tight in person. Oddly enough, it's easier if you have
to do a number two as well." Despite its location in a landlocked
neighborhood known for it's mediocre bakeries, the loo rests on
hi-tech shock-absorbing support beams and because of this is actually
considered legally to be a hovercraft, which falls under the umbrella
of Britain's offshore betting regulations. The British Coastline
Regulators office had 'no comment' but stared disdainfully at
reporters for two full minutes before saying so. Longpeter's used
to operate on an English Channel ferryboat that mysteriously capsized
the night three years ago when Lennox Lewis lost
to Hasim Rahman.
SNEEZE FORCES 'IRON CHEF'
FINALS TO CASPER, WYOMING!
Taki'ho, Japan - A sneeze by a crowd member mid-way
through the taping of this year's 'Iron Chef' finals emptied the
Sukmi Television Studios and a surrounding six-block area for
18 hours Sunday, forcing the show's producers to suspend the competition
with Fujaichi leading Kundisu by a miso soup and hot mustard sauce.
According to spokesman Toji Kato, the competition will resume
next Sunday from a converted horse stable outside Casper, Wyoming,
not because it's the furthest geographic spot from any possible
SARS threat but because "Beef must be more
tenderfresh." Apparently both Fujaichi and Kundisu are making
the classic Number Nine - Beef in Garlic Sauce. Kato said the
masks everyone in the studio will be forced to wear are "to
keep bad breath to one's self." Noted SEC
football announcer Ron Thulin will take over
the play-by-play.
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