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SPIDERMAN
PROMO: EVERY FAN TO GET BIT!
New York, NY - Despite a tidal wave of criticism, Major
League Baseball and "Spiderman Two"
the movie will try again for a cross-promotion. The first idea
-- painting Spiderman logos on all first, second and third base
bags in every major league park -- was roundly ridiculed by purists,
casual fans and even by drunks who don't care much for baseball
and only go to the park to heckle and maybe get laid. "We
think we've got a winner this time," said MLB publicist Thandy
Zipf-Luzer, "every fan entering a ballpark the weekend of
May 14 will be bit by a spider and will get to see if it gives
them superpowers!" Zipf-Luzer said baseball is just waiting
for the final green light from the Surgeon General, who is currently
busy guffawing.
PRICE RENAMES UTEP THE "DANCERS!"
El Paso, TX - Mike Price, the
former Washington State football coach who was
head coach at Alabama for eight seconds, has
landed on his feet at the University of Texas-El Paso
and closed spring football practice by announcing to the press
that the school would change it's nickname from Miners
to Dancers. "It's just, well, everything today is 'me, my,
mine,' " said Price, "so 'Miners' seems pretty damn
self-centered. Dancers, now there's a name that implies grace.
And fun. Fun, fun grace. Bags o' fun. It just sort of popped into
my head." The school announced that all future Price press
conferences will be on a 90-minute delay.
NHL RATINGS NIPPED BY "DECORATING
CENTS!"
Los Angeles, CA - The National Hockey
League Playoffs on ESPN and ABC
are experiencing an unheard of surge in the ratings this past
week, propelling them past MSNBC's "Techhead
Mixer" and right on the heels of HGTV's
bargain design show, "Decorating Cents."
The NHL is already strutting it's 0.9 rating
to potential ad buyers and has boosted its rates by anywhere from
$75 to $100 dollars.
"HEY, ROD" SUES A-ROD!
Glaucoma, WA - Morning radio personality Rod
"Hey, Rod" Grydski of KANK-FM in Glaucoma, near Tacoma,
has sued New York Yankees' third baseman and
future Hall of Famer Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez
for copyright infringement and what his lawyers have called "Nickname
Theft." Hey Rod, 55 years old this month, has hosted the
top morning zoo show in the Tacoma area for the past 31 years.
He's in both the Radio Hall of Fame and the Guinness Book
of World Records for most times played "Goin' Down
For The Last Time" by the Rossington-Collins Band.
Grydski insists this is not a ratings ploy to offset inroads made
in his numbers by the younger, syndicated team of P-Dick and The
Pump.
WILLIAMS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS GUY
WHO ARGUES WITH HIM!
Bullseye, NJ - Former New Jersey Nets
star Jayson Williams, recently acquitted on charges
of shooting his chauffeur and then making a cheese sandwich with
the Harlem Globetrotters while the chauffeur
bled to death, accidentally shot a man at a convenience store
near Williams' estate. According to witnesses, Williams argued
with Chuck Twillb over the origin of the name of the snack sausage
"Slim Jim," insisting it was named
after comedian Jimmy "JJ Dyno-mite" Walker.
Twillb, who is the regional distributor and route driver for Slim
Jims, said the product was named after the company's founder.
At this point Williams decided to show Twillb a gun from his vast
collection of guns with faulty firing mechanisms. The gun
accidentally fired and Twillb was hit in the thigh and rushed
to New Jersey's You Didn't See Nothin' Emergency Clinic where
he was treated too quickly and then led out a back door.
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