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PGA
OKAYS SORENSTAM DEMANDS!
Tee Time, FL – With only days to go before
the Colonial golf tournament, the PGA
has finally okayed a list of demands from Annika Sorenstam
that will clear the way for her to become the first LPGA tour
pro ever to compete in an official men’s PGA event. Sorenstam
will get, per round: two mulligans, four gimme putts inside three
feet, two foot wedges and a thrown ball. In addition, she will
have an in-room jacuzzi and free Spectravision. A last-ditch effort
by slump-ridden PGA pro David Duval to block
Sorenstam’s demands was thwarted by Colonial organizer Bud
“Buddy” Adams, who got a racketeering charge filed
against Duval just under deadline. Said Adams, “Without
Tiger comin’, I need the li’l lady, or I’ll
have less people here than a Chinese airport. Tell Duval to keep
his elbow in and shut up.”
Related: Boatload
o' Stories
INEBRIATED FAN RUNS ONTO ICE,
STICKSTERS SIGN HIM!
North Platte, NE – A drunk fan who brought
his own half-keg into a hockey game and ran onto the ice naked
to tackle a referee was signed to a thirty-day contract by one
of the participating teams, the Rapid City Sticksters, the Harlem
Globetrotters of hockey. Lloyd Hartung, 29, a twice-divorced
septic tank installer, had purchased four tickets to the Sticksters’
exhibition against the Western Nebraska Rural Radio Network Vikings.
Unable to get anyone to attend with him, Hartung brought instead
a half-keg of Shlatzman’s Malt Liquor and forty feet of
garden hose. By the middle of the third period he was “pretty
lit,” by his own admission, and took umbrage to a call against
the Vikings, who were down 12-1 at the time. He ran onto the ice
naked, toward referee Hal Gergie, who is also Hartung’s
auto loan officer, and brought him to the ice with two hip checks.
Sticksters GM Karl Understgt “liked his hustle” and
put Hartung on the roster for the Sticksters exhibition swing
through Bulgaria and Romania next month.
Related: Rapid
City Sticksters Fail To Amuse!
GYMNASTS CAUGHT IN ILLEGAL
SCRUNCHIE RING!
Leotard Center, CO – Several young female
gymnasts between the ages of 12 and 15 vying for the US junior
team have been put on probation for obtaining illegal hair scrunchies
with a tensile strength twice the allowed amount, according to
Renzie Buchman, the team image coach. Illegal scrunchie strength
aids girls in looking “cuter,” and “more together”
according to Buchman, which provides an unfair advantage. “Here,
look,” said the 32-year-old Buchman, who then quickly moved
her scrunchie around to several different positions. “I’m
adorable this way, but this way, not so much. See?” Apparently
one of the girls’ fathers worked at a shock absorber plant
and smuggled in the stronger wire during his Cookie Day visit.
SPORTALICIOUS’ AL-SAHHAF
HONORED BY GOLF WRITERS!
Tempe, AZ – Sportalicious! golf correspondent
and former Iraqi Minister of Information Mohammed Saeed
al-Sahhaf was awarded writer of the week honors by the
Golf Scribes Association for his work covering this week’s
HP Classic of New Orleans, won by Steve Flesch. “Damn, he’s
an intense bastard,” said Woody Down, Scribes president.
Al-Sahhaf was noted for his story headline – “Flesch
Burns Flesh Off HP Classic!” – and for being the only
golf writer who cared enough to actually attend the HP Classic
of New Orleans. “The infidels who pollute the newspapers
with useless coverage of pathetic non-sports such as hockey and
basketball will rot in Chris Berman’s entrails!”
said Al-Sahhaf. “This is cool!” Al-Sahhaf won a bronze
plaque and a sleeve of Hardy-Har’s exploding powder golf
balls.
Related: More
al-Sahhaf in al-S'archives
OLD MAN BOTHERS CHARLOTTE
EXPANSION TEAM BRASS!
Charlotte, NC – The management team formulating
the NBA’s expansion Charlotte
franchise has been bothered and harrassed on a consistent basis
by a determined and potentially dangerous old man and may have
to take legal action to keep the man from interfering any more.
The man, known only as ‘Michael Jordan,’
has pestered Charlotte executives about his desire to participate
in the franchise and become belligerent when challenged. Jordan
claims he has ‘extensive experience’ in the league,
but no one remembers any such person. “Maybe back with the
Minneapolis Lakers or something,” said a Charlotte spokesman.
Jordan insists he played most recently with the Washington
Wizards, but no official records are kept on the Wizards
and his participation cannot be verified. Charlotte police said
a restraining order has been filed against the old man and his
bullhorn has been confiscated.
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