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ACQUITTED
WILLIAMS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS BAILIFF!
New York, NY - Only moments after being acquitted
on charges of shooting his chauffeur, former NBA
star Jayson Williams accidentally shot the bailiff
in his courtroom when he was presenting his victorious legal team
with antique pistols from his vast collection of guns with faulty
firing mechanisms. (Williams has the third largest collection
of guns with faulty firing mechanisms in the world.) The bailiff,
Scott Uhh of Weehawken, NJ, was rushed to St. John's/Tenement
Fire Medical Complex in the Bronx and was listed in guarded condition,
though in actuality his room was unguarded and his wallet, iPod
and Fen-Phen were stolen.
GANGSTA WINS LONG BEACH GRAN PRIX
TRIAL!
Long Beach, CA - A qualifying heat for this summer's
Long Beach Gran Prix was won Sunday by a 17-year-old
gang member fleeing police after having stolen a car as part of
his gang initiation. Lester Lee Tucker, also known as "LT
Money G-Funk," ripped off a Porsche Cayenne Turbo
SUV from an antique store parking lot and in an effort
to avoid oncoming sheriff's squad cars, crashed through a fence
onto the Long Beach Race Course just as the starting flag was
dropped. Tucker covered ten laps in a course record 29 minutes,
then blasted through a cornflower-and-hibiscus decorative barrier
and is still at large.
CRIBBAGE LEAGUE STALLED OVER LOST
PEGS!
Pudge City, MI - The National Cribbage League
will have to wait another week at least to kick off its season
as league-sanctioned pegs were lost in transit to this quaint
northern Michigan town for the opening tilt between the Pudge
City Blinds and the Bacon Harbor Skunks. The league needs to use
only sanctioned pegs with radio beacons in them because in preliminary
rounds to official league play several teams were caught using
sleight-of-hand while pegging to gain scoring advantages. The
radio pegs will be monitored round the clock by NASA.
ANTHEM SINGING BREASTS: BUFFS SLIPPED
US ROOFIE!
Cheddar Falls, WI - Sportalicous's own golf and
lifestyle correspondents, the Anthem-Singing
Breasts, have come forward and admitted that in 2003 several
University of Colorado Buffaloes football players
who went to see the Breasts at a book-signing party got them drunk
and slipped a Rohypnol tablet in the Breasts' glass of merlot,
according to the left breast, who does most of the talking. The
Breasts were in Boulder promoting their self-help book, "Any
Old Boob Can Sing!" Authorities will add this to the boxloads
of other CU complaints currently being stored in an old Strategic
Air Command underground bunker in the Rockies.
NBA: KOBE TRIAL 'GETTING IN THE WAY'!
New York, NY - The National Basketball Association
has petitioned the state of Colorado to dismiss the court case
against Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe
Bryant because it is interfering "in a major way"
with the Lakers' playoff run. "It's gone from nuisance to
real irritation," said league publicist Jodie Wyatt-Fifka,
"I mean, we know they've got their little 'due process' stuff
that's important to them, plus I guess a woman was raped or something,
but we're in the middle of the playoffs here! Have some respect
for other people, Colorado!" The league has proposed several
ways to more quickly resolve the case, including cutting a deck
of cards or having a lawyer play a game of 'Horse' against Bryant
with Bryant spotting him the 'H' and the 'O.'
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