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MAN KILLED BY
HOME GYM!
Bunbelt, KS - Cale Gene Kibbidge, a 27-year-old
L'eggs route deliveryman in suburban Kansas City, Missouri, accidentally
killed himself when he incorrectly assembled his Flextastic Home
Muscle Maker and blasted his Adam's Apple out of his throat with
a flying tension rod. Kibbidge was found by his mother, Janey
Kibbidge, who you may remember had a Top 40 hit in 1971 with "Christmas
Fear." She rushed Cale to KC Masterpiece Medical Center where
he was pronounced dead from not having an Adam's Apple. Flextastic
said it was sorry but that it had already printed its assembly
instructions in blinking red letters and could do nothing more.
TOO LATE - ALEJANDRO PREDICTS GOLFER'S
WIN!
Chedder Falls, WI - Sportalicious! staff psychic
Alejandro ( the former Kurt
Poltrikus, a logger from Beaverton, Oregon struck by lightning)
was nudged out of his recent psychic slump this week when managing
editor Chet Waterhouse had him stand in
the vacant lot behind Sportalicious! headquarters in the wake
of tornado warnings. Sure enough, Alejandro was hit by lightning
and rushed to CheeseCurd Medical Center where he came out his
stupor three days later and immediately blurted out, "Hale
Irwin will win on the Champions Tour this weekend!" Alejandro
was indeed right - Irwin won the Legends tournament on Sunday!
But by the time Alejandro made his prediction, it was Tuesday.
"He's uncanny," said Chet, "But we gotta get the
timing right, is all."
MILLION TO ONE: JAVELIN THROWER
SKEWERS EX!
Grudshaw, WY - Billie Sewer, Dust County College's
only javelin thrower, set a personal best of 192 feet, 7 inches
at a dual meet Saturday against Panktown and killed his ex-girlfriend
Tanya Helb in the process. Helb had broken up with Sewer in an
ugly public display at the Dust County College cafeteria, but
her javelin death was still ruled an accident because no one,
not even Sewer, knew that Kelb was at the time of the javelin
competition giving sexual favors to a Nigerian exchange student
under the bleachers on the north end of Dust Mite Stadium. Sewer's
former personal best was only 127 feet, so no one expected him
to throw it that far, and as Sheriff Hoyle Dobbs said, "It
was flat-ass amazin'" the javelin found a teeny space through
the north bleachers and nailed Kelb. The Nigerian said he would
never have sex again.
STEINBRENNER SIGNS PALESTINIAN
ROCK THROWER!
New York, NY - In a bid to obtain world peace
and to shore up his bullpen, New York Yankees
owner George Steinbrenner signed 16-year-old
Achmed Mohamed, who scouts consider to be the top Palestinian
rock thrower in the Gaza area. Mohamed has a variety of gravel
pitches, including a "slurve" and a "scroogie"
(bends away from righties), but "he's gotta get used to a
perfectly spherical ball," said pitching scout Kal Hongo.
The signing was condemned in Israel's Knesset, but Steinbrenner
said, "What do they know, they're not in a dogfight with
the Red Sox!"
ICE FISHERMAN CATCHES OWN CAR!
Flegmagish, MI - Mark Puzdrift, an unemployed
iron ore miner in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, caught his own car
on his last icefishing "drop" of the year. Flegmagish
gives a huge party to the last fisherman off the ice each spring
and last year Puzdrift almost won until he tried to tow his shed
off the ice with his '72 Mercury Montego. The Montego went through
and hit the murky bottom of Dumbturtle Lake where it stayed --
until Puzdrift caught it this spring! It took him four hours to
bring it up, using 50-pound test line and a Zebco 800 reel, a
rig designed to land big sturgeon. "I'm glad I got it 'cause
I was gettin' tired of walkin' everywhere." Puzdrift has
tethered the line to a massive pine tree until the full spring
thaw.
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