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STUPIDITY FOUND
RAMPANT AT RODEO!
Colorado Springs, CO – Federal agents descended
on the Colorado Springs Invitational Rodeo this
past weekend and arrested 17 riders, resulting in the seizure
of close to a ton of stupidity. “This is our biggest bust
since we nabbed Michael Moore at the Oscars,”
said FBI special agent Rod Pouch. Bull rider Chris Shivers
accounted for nearly half that by himself for insisting on riding
1600-pound bull Little Yellow Jacket despite
having a dislocated shoulder, torn knee cartilage, missing teeth,
a broken toe, tongue bites, blood from somewhere, and hemorrhoids.
Shivers broke down sobbing in the FBI van. “Thank God someone
put an end to my nightmare,” he weeped, “it’s
a drug, stupidity. And til you admit you got a problem, yer defenseless
to fight it. I’m a slave to it! Help me!” Shivers
then tried to bolt from the van and jump on another bull before
agents brought him to one knee with Mace and rubber bullets. All
the riders will be taken to Arizona State University
in Tempe and enrolled in its renowned "Why The Hell Was I
Doing That With My Life When There’s This Party Goin’
On?" program.
NEW KU COACH ‘A GOD,’
SAYS S.I.D. SAHHAF!
Lawrence, KS – New Kansas Jayhawks
basketball coach Bill Self was introduced as
“a god who will hurl fiery death on the infidels of the
Not So Big 12,” according to KU sports information director
and former Iraqi information minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf
(Sportalicious! Apr. 15).
“The writhing snake Roy Williams, who slithered
from here on his belly to the hellstench that is North
Carolina, is not even a sand gnat on the grand ass of
our supreme camel, Mr. Bill Self,” added al-Sahhaf. “Loyal
Kansraqis unite! Unite behind this leader of gods and mere men!
Aid him as he hurls all other cretins of basketball evil into
the unrelenting hot ooze of the Cavern of Death!” Al-Sahhaf
went on to tell reporters, “If you examine the belching
swine people of Illinois you will find they all
have breasts and pale skin, for they are the weakest of weak women
who would let this heavenly leader escape their clutches! Their
stomachs will burst into fireballs for our Kansraqi amusement!”
At that point the microphones were cut off. Self will answer questions
himself this weekend at an undisclosed location.
SOMETHING HAPPENING IN
HOCKEY, NO ONE SURE WHAT!
Washington, D.C. – Citing an “unusual”
amount of geographic movement by several teams known to be in
the National Hockey League, Tom Ridge
of the Department of Homeland Security today announced that “something
is going on” in hockey and that all Americans should be
on alert. “We’ve got a lot of movement crossing back
and forth over the Canadian border, all the way down into Florida,”
said Ridge. “Pro hockey is a very secretive world, hardly
anyone can penetrate it, but it’s obvious that something
of major import is transpiring.” Ridge said hockey cell
phone “chatter” has been on the rise and seems to
be focused on fewer and fewer hockey cities as time passes. He
has raised the level of security alert to Ice Blue. “Go
about your normal lives as Americans, but if something hockey-like
catches your eye, just call the FBI.”
DEFENSE DEPARTMENT BUYS CUBS
BATTING HELMETS!
The Pentagon – Defense Department Procurement
Officer Gordon Suggs confirmed Monday that in the wake of Sammy
Sosa’s survival of a beanball pitch Sunday in Pittsburgh,
40,000 Chicago Cubs batting helmets have been
purchased and will be distributed to front line troops in combat
zones the world over. In hastily conducted ballistics test Monday
at nearby Patuxent Airbase the Cubs batting helmet proved 30%
stronger than U.S. forces current headgear, and in one instance
deflected a surface-to-air missile off a soldier’s head
and harmlessly into the Potomac. Suggs also confirmed that the
Army is considering dropping its current hand-snap salute in favor
of Sosa’s chest-pound/finger kiss.
ROBBINS, SARANDON FORBIDDEN
TO THROW BALL!
Cooperstown, NY – Baseball Hall
of Fame executive Dale Petroskey confirmed
that a restraining order has been obtained preventing “Bull
Durham” actors and political activists Tim
Robbins and Susan Sarandon from ever
throwing around a baseball again. “Their kind will not sully
America’s Pastime in any way, shape or form,” said
Petroskey. Robbins and Sarandon were unavailable for comment,
having accepted an invitation from Castro to attend the Cuban
Baseball Hall Of Fame pig roast celebrating the fifteenth anniversary
of “Bull Durham.” Writer/director Ron Shelton
and star Kevin Costner will mark the anniversary
with a quiet ceremony at a Hooters in Laguna Beach, CA.
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