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PINOCHLE
LEAGUE KICKS OFF!
Rock City, IL - After a year of preparation,
the American Pinochle League finally opened play last weekend
to good response. The Quad Cities' Jokers beat the Rapid City
Bicycles 5-2 in front of over 175 fans at the Dakota Dome in Pelf,
S.D. Meanwhile the Sioux City Aces and Mason City Melds played
to a 3 1/2 - 3 1/2 draw in front of 115 fans at the Mason City,
Iowa Masonic Temple parking lot. The Sauk City Low Trumps had
a bye. League officials said if attendance stays high for the
remaining six weeks, they will consider developing a euchre and
a cribbage league.
BOSOX PETITION LEAGUE TO SUSPEND REST OF SEASON!
Boston, MA - After taking three of four games
from the New York Yankees and leaping to first
place in the American League East, the Boston
Red Sox have submitted a proposal to commissioner Bud
Selig to suspend the rest of the season and go to the
playoffs NOW. "Everyone thinks the baseball season drags
on anyway, let's do somethin' about it!" bellowed Bosox steroid
masking coach Gene Filbert. The Red Sox have been accused of stalling
by the Yanks for cancelling two games this week because of "heavy
dew" and "poor water pressure in toilets."
NHL SEEKS BLACKOUT!
Crease, NJ - The country's most secretive professional
sport, Hockey, has lodged an official protest with the Federal
Communications Commission over the ABC Network's
televising of some of the National Hockey League's
playoff games. "This sport is drenched in tradition and snot
and blood," read the complaint, "and to violate that
historic trust by developing a cheap broadcast ploy just to attempt
economic survival is sacrilege!" Canada co-signed the complaint,
stating that UN Resolution 182B named it as the only country in
which hockey could be both popular and televised.
DUCKS REFUSE TO FLY NORTH!
Pike's Beek, FL - The fledgling American Duck
Union, which represents 17% of all ducks, has encouraged it's
rank and file not to fly north this year. "Why should we?
Just to get shot in October on the way back?" said ADU spokesman
Bill "Blue" Mallard. "We're catching on, a$#holes!
It's called evolution!" The ducks have petitioned Iowa to
declare its airspace off limits. The majority of ducks are non-union
and also don't speak English well yet.
'CLEAN AND JERK' TO BECOME 'LIFTING
IT UP HIGH!'
Gubtrow, NE - The National Weightlifting Association,
tired of spending most of its time fighting defamation lawsuits,
has decided instead to officially change the name of one of its
patented competitive lifts, the "Clean and Jerk," to
the less sexually hilarious "Lifting It Up High." Nearly
every weightlifting competition including the Olympics
has been marred by delays as fans, competitors and even non-English-speaking
weightlifters chuckle for extended periods when some announcer
says, "clean and jerk." The shift to "lifting it
up high" also means that the Utah Clean and Jerk Masturbators
Society and the Jamaican Sanitized Clean and Jerk Chicken Company
will drop lawsuits agains the NWA.
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