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After escaping Iraq and spending a brief
two weeks as the sports
information director at the Univeristy of Kansas, former
Iraqi Minister of Information Mohammed
Saeed al-Sahhaf found his way to the staff here at Sportalicious!
Initially hired to cover golf, al-Sahhaf's rhetorical skills
were better served by switching him to one-on-one interviews.
Sahhaf caught up with Barry Bonds in Roger's
Over 'N Out Bar at Los Angeles Airport's Terminal Seven.
SAHHAF: It makes the heart
flutter of even the most manly warrior to share air molecules
with the ruthless batsmen of America's baseball sport.
BONDS: Thanks. I think.
SAHHAF: Let us descend immediately to the tacks
of brass - are you absorbing internally through your intestinal
wall of stone the chemicals of superstrength?
BONDS: No.
SAHHAF: Yet who could blame you if you were? Day
after day, hour after hour, corporate slavemasters drive
you like herded Bedouin goats into the symbolic slaughterhouse
of baseball park to do battle against other lesser fatter
swine who are "warriors" only in the pathetic
nether reaches of their worm-eaten brains.
BONDS: Exactly.
SAHHAF: I know.
BONDS: But I don't do steroids.
SAHHAF: And yet your upper body has grown from
that of an average if nice warrior to the proportion of
the great behemoth kingslayer Saladin!
BONDS: I work out.
SAHHAF: Brilliant! Your answers are superbly crafted
like the intricate jewelry draped around the belly of Arabian
dancing harlots.
BONDS: What?
SAHHAF: I of course mean only the top-line Arabian
dancing harlots.
BONDS: Oh.
SAHHAF: No slight, only the cream of compliments.
BONDS: Gotcha.
SAHHAF: I do not wish to wake up in the fish-strewn
alleyway of one of your Chinatowns with my eviscerated entrails
still smoking in the chilled night air as I gasp my last
breath.
BONDS: What are you drinking?
SAHHAF: Only the sweet nectar of freedom! Down
with Saddam! Up with Bud Selig!
Al Jazeera sucks! May Jeff Kent
rot in the deepest oven of Beelzebub's Kitchen!
At this point, according to our best analysis of the
audio tape, Bonds' personal security detail escorted the
slugger to safety while undercover airport police pinned
the still-shouting Al Sahhaf against the bar for at least
30 minutes, at which point the tape ran out. Sahhaf was
eventually released when a personal excuse signed by President
Bush was discovered pinned to his underwear.
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