New York, NY - The National Basketball Association announced Monday that it would under no circumstances allow teams to provide special treatment to players' parole officers or any court-appointed officials during the NBA playoffs. "They can certainly sit with the wives," said NBA publicist Tiffany Twill-Spinkle, "those are really nice seats, and who knows, they may get lucky! But we cannot show favoritism under the law to even one parole officer or officer of the court because it may jeopardize the court cases of so many of our marquee players, and like, that's apparently not allowed under the Constitution or something like that." The official edict came down only after two court-appointed officers in the Kobe Bryant rape trial were taken to Saturday's opening tilt in the LA Lakers/Houston Rockets series, given barcaloungers behind the Laker bench, spoon-fed the surf and turf special from Jaded steakhouse, rubbed down by four girls from the Le Nuts Gentlemen's club, then escorted by limousine to the "Hellboy" premier party where they got really, really wasted on Jagermeister and whip-its. "The biggest problem there is the barcalounger placement," said Tom Porch, assistant federal marshall for the Southwestern United States. "That shows considerable bias. Other than that I mean, everybody got wasted at the 'Hellboy' premier." Parole Officer treatment has become a front-burner issue since the Baltimore Ravens' "Parole Officer Party Bus" was suspended by federal marshalls this year after the bus, at full capacity, drove into Figgs Creek outside Washington, D.C. around 4:20am in January, three days after the Ravens' last regular-season game.