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MATTIACE
BLAMES TAX DEADLINE FOR MASTERS LOSS!
Augusta, GA – Len Mattiace,
who lost the Masters to Mike Weir Sunday in a
one-hole playoff, surprised reporters by blaming his collapse
on his unfinished income taxes, due Tuesday. “Sometimes,
to try and relax on the course, I run numbers in my head,”
said a misty-eyed Mattiace, “and on the playoff hole I got
into some of my 2002 deductions for clothes and videos. That’s
when I suddenly realized that I was a good three or four hundred
thousand dollars off on my 1040 form. I knew I’d have to
hustle back after the tourney ended, spend all day Monday with
Whiteout re-doing the form. Man, that stuff gets all over your
hands, it’s really icky…right then, BAM! – I
look up – I’m hooking my second shot into the woods.”
When asked why he does his own taxes, Mattiace said he has an
accountant but doesn’t trust him, and that the way he does
his taxes is “fun for the whole family.”
CNN
TO IMBED REPORTERS INSIDE NFL OFFENSES!
Atlanta, GA – News giant CNN
announced Monday it will use the new communications technology perfected
during the Iraqi War to imbed a reporter with six of the top NFL
offenses during games and report action “live from the front,
as it’s happening,” according to CNN military sports
analyst Ret. Brigadier General Art ‘Rocky’ Rhodes. “All
these damned doohickies got field-tested and they’re ass-kickin’
and what are we gonna do, put these mothers in mothballs?! Hell
no, that’d SUCK! Let’s keep pushin’! Push! Push!
Push! Right through to BERLIN, gaddamit!! YAAAAAGGGHHH! WHO’S
WITH ME?!” Rhodes dropped to one knee and was administered
oxygen while deputy colonel Theresa Halliburton finished up. “The
reporter will not be allowed to give out certain strategic info,”
said Halliburton, “like snap count and audible options, but
will be able to travel unimpeded with any member of the team.”
Halliburton assured the NFL Geraldo Rivera would
not be allowed in the stadiums even with a paid ticket.
MR.
STATS INJURED AGAIN IN BARFIGHT!
New Orleans, LA - Sportalicious! columnist Glen
Furg, known as “Mr. Stats” for his in-depth mathematical
analysis of virtually everything, was pummeled mercilessly at “Sweaty’s,”
a bar in New Orleans’ French Quarter last week just one day
after the NCAA tournament had ended. Furg was roughed up by University
of Kansas fans after he accidentally referred to Roy Williams
as “The North Carolina coach” in his
column last week. The Kansas fans pummeled him with bar trays
and jammed a stuffed Jayhawk plush toy in his mouth. “It was
actually kind of a mild ass-beatin’,” said bartender
Jackie Montoya, “although that stuffed Jayhawk was about two
feet tall, and they did get most of it in his pie hole.” The
fans were tipped to Furg’s whereabouts by new
Kansas SID Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf. Furg was taken to Voodoo
Chile’ Hospital and is listed in stable-but-wearing-on-nurses-nerves
condition.
AMERICANS:
WAR A WELCOME DIVERSION FROM BASEBALL!
Los Angeles, CA - A Sportalicious! man-on-the-street
poll has concluded that American television viewers welcome any
war coverage, even Peter Arnett’s, if it offers a respite
from baseball. “We’re twelve games into the season
and I’m bored out of my skull,” said Chicago
Cubs fan Gerald Q. of Tarzana. “I gotta wait 'til
October to settle this s*$t?! I’d rather watch that 60-year-old
bald guy from CNN get his pants caught in the fender of a Bradley
troop transport.” Amy R., a cute 27-year-old who would not
give Sportalicious! her number, said, “My D-Backs suck,
but did you see that Sadler guy drive right into Tikrit ten miles
ahead of the soldiers? He’s hot.” E! Entertainment
television is in negotiations with the Defense Department to syndicate
the war and run it opposite baseball all summer long.
MINNESOTA
A DISAPPOINTING SIXTH IN RIOT RANKINGS!
Minneapolis, MN – Despite beating the University
of New Hamphsire 5-1 for the NCAA hockey title last Saturday,
University of Minnesota fans could muster no
better than sixth in weekend sports riots rankings. The Gopher
faithful did set a fire and then stone the fire truck when it
arrived to douse the blaze, but the mob drank out of sync all
night and never developed any real momentum, at one point throwing
several bricks so weakly they bounced off plate glass at a bank
and a Subway Sandwich shop, both major deductions. English Soccer's
Manchester United again took the top spot with
rioters who actually cooked captured chickens with cigarette lighters
and blew up a safe from a bakery to steal cookie recipes. The
rioters were protesting the fact Manchester had a bye this week.
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