|
BUSH THOUGHT
8/6 MEMO WAS ABOUT VIDEO GAME!
Washington, DC - A White House spokesman said
Monday that President Bush "clearly"
thought the 8/6/01 memo describing a possible terrorist attack
only weeks before 9/11 was referring not to reality, but to one
of Bush's favorite video games, "TerrorTown Express."
"In TerrorTown Express, there is a specific 'airport' level,
I think it's level 4, very advanced level that's beyond most of
our grasps but that the President has mastered, and on that level
4 there's much talk of hijackings and infiltration and such. Easy
mistake," said the spokesman, who asked to remain nameless
for fear he would be heckled mercilessly the rest of his life
even by little children.
BARTMAN NEARLY LURED BY 'FIRST PITCH'
SCAM!
Chicago, IL - Much like their yearly pennant
dreams, the Chicago Cubs plot to lure ball-grabbing
dream-wrecker Steve Bartman back to Wrigley
Field in order to kill him almost... almost... worked.
The Cubs contacted Bartman under the pretense of wanting him to
throw out the first pitch at a game this week and 'exorcise the
demons' of last year's ball-grabbing debacle, 'erase the memory'
in the players' minds and 'bury the hatchet' with Cub fans. Of
course the only hatchet that was going to be buried was the one
the Cubs were going to slam into Bartman's chest! Only when Bartman
checked his wallet calendar while pooping did he realize the Cubs
had no home game on the date they wanted him to throw out the
first ball. Bartman then refused to leave his secret location
at one of seven Strategic Air Command bases in a murky five-state
area.
BONDS: MOST 40-YEAR-OLD GUYS PUT ON
WEIGHT!
San Francisco, CA - Saying "enough is enough"
in a voice an octave deeper than it was just four years ago, Barry
Bonds came out swinging against critics who have accused him of
steroid abuse! Sportalicious! reporters disguised as pharmaceutical
reps attended a press conference at which Bonds displayed charts
and graphs that showed most American males between the ages of
33 and 40 put on anywhere from five to 30 pounds on average. The
fact that nearly all these men pack on those pounds in saggy,
disgusting bags around their waist and Bonds has put all of his
directly into his biceps is "luck, or God's will or somethin'
like that," said Bonds, adding, "You could nitpick this
thing to death."
JAYSON WILLIAMS GETS NRA DEMERIT!
Oops, NJ - Adding insult to manslaughter charges,
the National Rifle Association tagged former
NBA player Jayson Williams with
a demerit for discharging his weapon inappropriately. Williams
is on trial for killing his chauffeur, which he insists was an
accident. In fact, Williams is suing his landscaper claiming an
errant oak twig that should have been leaf-blown to the curb instead
floated into his house and jammed his gun during a demonstration
of his famed "Annie Oakley twirl." Several Harlem
Globetrotters were with Williams at the time, and they
insist three members of the Washington Generals
are to blame. the NRA demerit means Williams cannot watch Westerns
for a year.
MICKELSON'S WIFE TUNNELS INTO
MASTERS!
Augusta, GA - Despite club rules that exclude
women inside the Masters Golf Club unless they're
strippers stuffed inside surprise birthday cakes, Phil
Mickelson's wife tunneled into the facility and popped
up near the scorer's shed just as her husband sank his birdie
putt on 18 to win it. Mrs. Mickelson started tunneling last September
from a room in a nearby Econo-Lodge on what she called "a
gut feeling." She finished the last few yards with the help
of volunteers from the National Organization for Women
and burst through the turf near a grove of pink azaleas, bloodied
but smiling. She had just enough time to hug and kiss Phil and
hand off her three kids before being arrested, thrown in leg irons
and remanded to the Hootie Johnson Correctional Facility For Gals
near the 12th hole. She will complete thirty days of sandtrap
grooming and then be released into her husband's custody.
|
|
