"Yes. I'm looking at you."

Augusta, GA - Tiger Woods' fiancee, Elin Nordegren, is so beautiful she not only kept her husband-to-be from focusing worth a crap and winning the Masters, she actually popped up in a mid-18th hole fantasy of second-place finisher Ernie Els, forcing him to lose concentration and blow a birdie putt. "Normally I'm asexual on the course," said Els in his lilting South African accent, "but then I saw Elin up near the clubhouse as I stood on the 18th green, and, well, I started drifting, and I wondered what it would be like to make love to her in the snack shack at the 10th hole of a crappy public course in a normally dusty hot crappy town that suddenly was visited by a monumental thunderstorm, the rain clearly a sign from God that we were meant to take shelter, that we were meant to be, the hot summer rainwater dripping through holes in the shack's tin roof, drenching her shirt so her stunning breasts and erect nipples were all there for me to see as I ripped my DKNY golf shirt in half just to get it off quicker and then knelt near the microwave popcorn and kissed her belly and... --well, I got no further with my fantasy because a PGA official whacked me in the weiner and told me it was time for me to putt." Els was quick on the draw, no pun intended, and missed the putt. "Yeah, she's hot," said Tiger, smiling as he added up the bogies on his scorecard. "A normal man would be lucky to break 110 with a picture of her body rammed in their head like a hot poker the whole round. She'd turn Duffy Waldorf into a banquet speaker inside of a week."