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(Bear Stearns bond market analyst and sports fantasy
expert Alan Castagna
gives his tips regularly in Sportalicious! 'Regularly' is
about once every six months, but whenever we get him on
the phone to complain, he seems very busy. And unpleasant.
There is no photo of Castagna; He needs to remain anonymous
to protect his real job.)
Alright, pinheads, I'm in between meetings putting two rich
clients into ridiculously speculative Asian Rim stocks,
so I have to make this quick. Put down the bag of Funyuns
and listen up, goobers.
One word is all you need for this year's fantasy baseball
season: Yankees. as many as you can get
on your roster. What's that? You've got a four-step mathematical
process that you feel could revolutionize rotisserie roster
selection? Get your head out of your Yoohoo, Jed, and listen
to what I am telling you! How's this? I'll break it into
two easy words for your simple brain matter to process --
Yan. Kees.
After that, just grab Schilling and Pudge
as often as possible. After that, rape the Minnesota
Twins roster for some of those white boys whose
names you can't pronounce. That should win your fantasy
league for you against your unemployed software engineer
buddies.
Still into your theories and rotations? Great. Fine. that's
why you're driving a Kia Sephia and I'm
the one passing you in the turbo Acura
so fast I don't even see you flippin' me off in my rear
view mirror. Not that I'm looking.
Dodgers? Bosox? Baltimore?
Stay away like they were hi-carb diets. Especially stay
away from Cubs. Current Cubs, former Cubs, zoo cubs. Just
stay away. That Bartman kid is implanted in their brains
like a secret death chip. Stay away, because that chip will
implode right when you double-down your bet with your pajama
buddies, spaz, that's why.
L - I - S - T - E - N.
No Barry Bonds. Congress will run him through
that steroid sausage grinder and he'll be lucky to get a
bunt single off Turk Wendell.
But hey -- don't listen to me. Go ahead. Get Sosa
and Alou and Gagne, and
then I'll see you at the Rotisserie Champions Banquet in
October. You'll be the one waiting on my table.
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