SORENSTAM WINS OFFICE DEPOT TOURNEY, WINS OFFICE DEPOT!
Tarzana, CA - LPGA phenom Annika Sorenstam won the Office Depot Tourney this past weekend and was paid for the win with an Office Depot franchise in Cupertino, CA. “I don’t want this,” said Sorenstam in her cute Swedish accent. “I don’t want a store. I want a check.” Sorenstam was presented a Federal Tax I.D. number and schematics for the 12 thousand square-foot warehouse store plus sales projections and a company waiver that allows Sorenstam to bypass union rules and fire anybody on the spot if she so wishes. “I don’t want a store,” Sorenstam repeated. “I want cash.” Office Depot officials said the trophy – a solid platinum two-foot high replica of a White Out jar – is worth over $40,000, and the store well over a million, once the economy comes back, making this potentially the largest purse in LPGA history. “I don’t know where Cupertino is,” said Sorenstam. “This is bullshit. Is this the Jamie Kennedy Experiment?”

FACEPAINTING GURU SUED!
Taos, NM – Facepainting guru Lively T. Dreamscape’s new ‘Home Team’ home facepainting kit (Sportalicious!, April 1) has been shelved by the New Mexico Department of Health and Human Services for using extremely toxic paint. “This particular brand of evil paint causes blisters the size of the Least Heat Moon that make your face look like a bobcat expelled himself on it and then scraped ground cover over it to hide his scent from those who want him dead,” said Bureau of Indian Affairs detective Tom Describes Too Much. Describes Too Much said three cases of severe face burn-off were reported over the weekend by University Of New Mexico students, while seven more reported burns on their penises. Describes Too Much added that Lively T. Dreamscape had been involved in the peyote trade through the ‘80s and ‘90s under his real name, Butch Adkins. Dreamscape was unavailable for comment but released a photo of himself in full Vancouver Canucks facepaint with a statement that said people just need to “brainsurf.”

WWE PINNED IN COURT AGAIN!
NY, NY - Legal woes continue for Vince McMahon’s beleageured World Wrestling Entertainment. The organization, formerly the WWF, lost its suit against the World Wildlife Federation, forcing their current name change to WWE. But now the World Whimsy Educators, a group of storytellers who specialize only in ‘bemusing’ anecdotes and who feel that actual belly laughs are physically and spiritually bad for you, have won their suit against McMahon’s organization. The Whimsy logo – block WWE letters over a face of Garrison Keillor – will be allowed to remain untouched. Lawyers for both Women’s Wear Daily and Wild, Wet Gams have informed McMahon to search somewhere deeper into the alphabet for his next name.

‘FORE’ IN THE HOLE! LOCKHEED TO MAKE NEW SAND WEDGE!
Burbank, CA - Based largely on its field tested gear in the U.S.-led Iraqi military campaign, Lockheed announced a deal with RamRod Golf to manufacture a new 68-degree sand wedge with laser guidance, infrared communication and a GPS ball locating system. The wedge is chemical resistant, holds a three-day water supply and weighs just under 23 pounds, but in over one million test-hits has never put a ball into a civilian area on a golf course and in fact has never been more than 12 feet from the flagstick. The wedge comes with a “Not Sa’Dam Funny Now, Is It?” bumper sticker and 24-hour CIA Covert Ops tech support. The wedge sells for $23,000 and an initial order of 500 has been pre-sold to Kuwaiti sheikhs with two going to Ray Romano.

NATIONAL PAINTBALL LEAGUE RETURNS!
Las Vegas, NV - After extensive cleanup operations and new legal restrictions enforced by the Environmental Protection Agency , the National Paintball League is slated to return for a full weekend of action. “Martha Stewart turned us on to this rad water-based paint that’s enviro-friendly,” said Skeeter Roscoe, league commissioner and former systems analyst for Cisco who quit his job to play paintball full time. “It doesn’t sting as much as the lead paint, but hey man, it’s still a rush!” The league has been trimmed to six teams – the Seattle Mauves, the Denver Burnt Sienas, the Santa Fe Cyans, the Las Vegas Bronze, the Fresno Tangelos and the Lake Tahoe Taupes. Funding for the league has been taken over by Martha Stewart Enterprises, a division of Salomon Brothers. The games will be televised on the internet at Paintball’sarushman.com. Chet Waterhouse will do play-by-play.