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TECH DOESN'T
"SPRING FORWARD," MISSES 1ST HALF OF GAME!
San Antonio, TX - In the excited throes of their
semi-final victory over Oklahoma State Saturday,
Georgia Tech forgot to reset their clocks one
hour ahead that night and wound up being an hour late for tip-off
of the final game against Connecticut on Monday!
The Yellowjackets showed up at the 11:39 second mark of the first
half to find they were already down 27 -2. (UConn center Emeka
Okafor accidentally sank two delay-of-game free throws
at the wrong end.) They played the rest of that half in street
clothes and managed to close the gap to a competitive level, so
they stayed in street clothes the whole game. Alamodome officials
said Tech would be liable for the cost of cleaning hard-shoe scuff
marks from the wood floor.
'DAMITA JO': NAME OF JANET'S NIPPLE!
Washup Cove, CA - Sportalicious! reporters disguised
as corset-lacers discovered Monday in this exclusive, desperate
area near Malibu that Janet Jackson's latest
CD title 'Damita Jo' comes from her pet nickname for the nipple
she unveiled to the public on the Super Bowl
halftime! Jackson often referred to her right nipple in private
as 'DJ,' and a perusal of her nipple jewelry box turned up the
full name! Originally the new CD was going to be a double-CD,
"Damita Jo and Connie," which is Jackson's nickname
for her other nipple, but Jackson only had two halfway decent
songs and didn't feel it was right to stretch that beyond a fourteen-song
CD.
POLLAK FILLS CELEB POKER CHAIRS HIMSELF!
Las Vegas, NV - This week's taping of Bravo's
"Celebrity Poker" at the Palms Casino
in Vegas was marred by a rare storm that kept the cast of "Sabrina
The Teenage Witch" grounded in California - so host Kevin
Pollak filled all the table spaces himself! Pollak jumped
from chair to chair doing different impressions of major celebrities
-- and producers were shocked to discover the crowd enjoyed it
more than having actual half-celebrities play poker! "Columbo"
went out first when his crossed eye played tricks on him and he
thought he had three 3s instead of the two 8s he actually had.
"Christopher Walken" then went all
in and forgot why, followed by "Albert Brooks"
and "Alan Arkin," who both busted when
they thought Ace could only be used as a low card. Winner "William
Shatner" donated his earnings to the Las Vegas Exotic
Dancer Relief Fund. Producers will let Pollak finish the season
by himself provided he can work up a Tyne Daly
impression.
STRIPPER SUES NCAA: 'MARCH MADNESS'
HER STAGE NAME!
Gravel Bank, New Mexico - Adult dancer Cloris
Clovis, 41, has sued the NCAA claiming violation
of copyright over the name "March Madness," which Clovis
claims is her stage name. "I've been usin' it twenty years,
kiddo," said Clovis, who then polished off a boilermaker
and two Marlboros. "You should see what I can do with my
boobies and tummy and thighs, I move 'em around, it's like a tornado,
so the guys at the truck stop where I started nicknamed me 'March
Madness.' For the tornadoes. And I ain't backin' down." The
NCAA had no comment except to say they would drag this through
the courts for at least a decade at which time they expected Clovis
to be dead from either lung cancer or murder.
TUBSTER GOES BUN-LESS, LOSES SEVEN
MORE POUNDS BUT--!
Las Vegas, NV - Sportalicious! gambling guru
the Tubster, on three-week
break due to the Staff Tourney
Picks, rebounded from his dieting setback of last week by
going on an all-hot dog only-hot dog diet -- and the pounds are
sliding off like mustard off a hot dog that's not sitting comfortably
in a bun! Tubster dropped 12 pounds his first week just shaving
the carbs and walking through the buffet line instead of borrowing
a Hoverround like he usually does. But week two saw him lapse
into a near-Twinkie coma as he fell off the carb wagon and had
to be hospitalized, gaining nine pounds back. The all-dog diet
seems to have done the trick though, getting him back to a net
10-pound loss! "I love dogs," said Tubster, who then
smelled a bakery and left. We don't want to raise concern, but
managing editor Chet Waterhouse's cell phone is
ringing now. Uh oh.
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