RED SOX LOSE OPENER, FANS LOOK TO NEXT YEAR!
St. Petersburg, FL - The Tampa Devil Rays used a 5-run ninth inning Monday to beat the Boston Red Sox 6-4 in the season opener, effectively dashing the Red Sox’ hope of a pennant this year. At Patrick O’Dublin’s Booze And Potatoes Tavern in Boston, fans were somewhat upbeat. “We just can’t win,” said long-time Red Sox fan Marty Conrandable, “we’re jinxed.” Added Mickey Kevin McCorrigan, “It’s obviously a world conspiracy. It’s so obvious.” Said Brendan O’Glorickley, “You can’t dig a hole like that in this league and expect to dig out.” Kaitlin Elspeth MacInneslocke agreed, saying, “0-1 and done. Quite painful.” Added Father Thomas Mickey Michael O’Shantytown, “The front office should use the off-season to get some g**damn infield leather, Christ Bejeezus.” The Red Sox will vote tomorrow as to whether to finish out the season.

FACEPAINTING GURU RELEASES HOME SPORTS KIT!
Taos, NM – Nationally renowned facepainting guru Lively T. Dreamscape, who has painted the faces of everyone from Ryan Seacrest to Caroline Rhea, announced at a huge press conference Monday that he’s releasing ‘Dreamscape Home Team,’ a home facepainting kit guaranteed to let fans paint their team logo and colors on their face in six minutes or less, drunk or sober. “You won’t ever have to feel frustrated or gay again,” said Dreamscape, “and the EZ-Grab stencils come together in various combinations to form virtually every mascot, pro or college.” A reporter selected randomly from the press conference and a drunk systems analyst pulled out of a nearby Hooter’s painted Georgetown Hoyas and Kansas City Chiefs logos on their faces in 3:45 and 5:51, respectively. The drunk did accidentally get some yellow paint on his tongue but said it “tasted better than Bombay Saffire.” The kit lists for $49.95.

SPORTALICIOUS! TOURNEY ROUNDTABLE NOT REALLY ROUND!
Los Angeles, CA – Sportalicious! is cooperating with an FCC investigation into false advertising charges filed by a site visitor who noticed that the Sportalicious! NCAA Tourney Roundtable was actually an old rectangular restroom door laid on two sawhorses in a storeroom temporarily functioning as the site’s “NCAA Tourney Headquarters!” and in fact was not round at all. “I told you clowns to pull it together,” said Sportalicious! Rotiserrie columnist and guest prognosticator Allan Castagna, “but you’re incapable! This is such a bulls*%t operation. And there weren’t even cookies there. All I asked for was cookies! These FCC guys don’t f*#@ around.” The site visitor, 9-year-old Jacob Hinsdale of Ft. Collins, CO, stumbled on the discrepancy only because he’s a “big fan” of the Anthem Singing Breasts and because he had recently studied geometric shapes in his fourth-grade class. The current door must be modified by a cabinetmaker or replaced by a small round table borrowed from Starbucks.

WORLD SOLITAIRE CHAMPS WED IN GIANT HOUSE OF CARDS!
Jacksonville, FL - Frank Corgescu and Sylvia Meisner, winners of the recent men’s and women’s National Three Card Slide No Reverse Solitaire Championships in Boca Raton, Florida, announced they plan to wed this May in a chapel built entirely from decks of cards they used to win their respective championships. Corgescu, 76, and Meisner, 57, are each on their seventh marriage but insist this is the one. “We know how to leave each other alone,” said Meisner. Corgescu was unavailable for comment.