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TUBSTER'S
DIET HITS SNAG!
Las Vegas, NV - World renowned Sportalicious!
gaming tipster the Tubster
(not his real name) has run into trouble in his attempt to shave
off a few of his 483 pounds. With three weeks off from his regular
tip column (an amazing 51.2% right versus only 48.8% wrong this
year!) Tubs dedicated himself to a no-carb diet and with ten days
had shed over nine pounds. But Sunday he was found at Don Aries'
Ram Antlers Casino halfway up Mount Charleston, his skin bright
yellow, playing blackjack and eating a turkey straight off the
carcass. "We knew something was wrong 'cause he was winning,"
said a shaken Aries. Tubster stopped breathing and was rushed
to Penn & Teller Medical Center where surgery was performed
but then de-bunked as a mere magic trick.
MR. STATS NEARLY SMOTHERED IN HOSPITAL!
Ames, IA - Glen
Furg, Sportalicious's own "Mr. Stats," was attacked
in Cornstalk Hospital in this sleepy college town by two strong
male Iowa State fans who were livid that Furg
had referred to their NIT Finals-bound Cyclones
as "the Funnels." They jammed a pillow over Furg's head
as he lay resting in intensive care, but were scared away when
a nurse entered with a 23-year-old med student and tried to make
love to him in the empty bed opposite Furg. Furg had transferred
to Cornstalk to ease his recovery after being beaten senseless
after the first round of the NCAA basketball
tourney for calling every team by the wrong name.
A-ROD, JETER FIGHT OVER PEDICURE!
Millionaire Island, The Bronx - It just gets
uglier, folks! Sportalicious reporters disguised as actual sports
reporters witnessed Round 7 of the ongoing feud between New York
Yankee pretty boys Alex Rodriguez and Derek
Jeter. Rodriguez insisted he had a 2:45pm appointment
with a pedicurist and Jeter absolutely refused to budge out of
the chaisse lounge used by visiting pedicurists. The two nearly
came to blows but instead just butted lapels of their Frette Italian
terry cloth robes valued at $500. The 62-year-old pedicurist left
without a tip but did leave four new nail files for pitcher Mariano
Rivera.
HOCKEY NEARING SOME SORT OF LAST
ROUND!
Buffalo, NY - The National Hockey League
appears to be winding down to some sort of playoff situation,
this according to tips from inside the world's most secretive
pro sport. Apparently, sources say, several games still need to
be played, followed by a selection of several of the better teams
to then play each other, with winners taking on winners until
only one team remains. This team will be crowned champion. These
playoffs are a highly secret tradition despite the fact they are
nationally televised.
APRIL FOOLS PIES APPEAR SPOILED!
Bobbenton Cove, FL - Baseball's spring training
tradition of smashing pies into players' faces as they do interviews
on April Fool's Day may be in jeopardy. Marvie's Joke Pies, the
traditional source of pies for face smashing, suffered an attempted
break-in at their joke-pie bakery off the Inland Waterway near
Jacksonville. The robbers got away with only seven empty Redi-Whip
cans but did sever the main refrigeration cable, thinking it was
the phone line, and pies slated for April Fool's delivery to every
major league team spoiled overnight in temperatures that exceeded
95 degrees. "We'll only be able to use 'em on players we
hate now," said a veteran who asked to remain nameless because
he's on steroids. Team doctors have prepared for any infection
by splitting a load of penicillin they stole from a junior high
school sex education class.
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