6-iron. 9-iron. Who cares?

Calliope Cove, FL - Researchers from Wake Forest's world-renowned School of Golfodontics who have been studying Tiger Woods' game the last three months in an attempt to define reasons for the star's slump, stumbled into a shocker: it appears to be, scientifically speaking, his new wife! "All good science relies on luck," said elated research team leader Dr. Martin Mashy, a statement that unfortunately depressed nearly all the science reporters covering the event. But luck it was when research assistant Ben Fong fell through ceiling beams from an attic and into Woods' bedroom. Fong was attempting to secretly plant remote-controlled lipstick cameras into Woods' 2003 Oldsmobile Rendezvous, (though it was later revealed Woods only backs up the vehicle into his driveway for publicity photos.) While sneaking back out of the house Fong fell through the attic and into Woods' bedroom, where he saw Woods' wife in lingerie. Fong had been hooked up to monitoring devices on this mission strictly for testing purposes, and for a 120-second period Fong's level of distraction was measured at over 632 bogies and stayed there until Woods' wife offered Fong a gauze bandage and an Arizona Iced Tea. Prior to the stroke of fortune, Mashy's crew was leaning towards a possible sinking arch in Woods' left foot as the culprit. "But Fong's numbers don't lie," said Mashy, who was not looking at Fong's numbers at the time but at a picture of Woods' wife in lingerie. Fong is resting comfortably in Orlando's Nineteenth Hole Medical Clinic with Hot Chick Astigmatism and drywall in his ass.